So..what's it like being human?

I'm not perfect.  Lets make it clearer.  We're not perfect. 

But why do we keep striving for it?  Why do we try to pretend that everything is perfect?  

I am one of those people.  

I appear and make myself known and catergorised in the independent, self reliant, tough, mature, hard to crack, competant, strong willed, arrogant and positive.  

This is what people see me as.  And this is the show, the front that I put on, because I hold myself in the highest regards, I respect myself, I have integrity and I love the way I feel about myself.  

I don't want to appear weak, I don't want to need anyone, I don't rely on others, I numbed my feelings, and became a heartless bitch. 

I got used to not having emotions, and liked it that way.  I got used to being straight forward and honest, without considering anyones feelings, I became task orientated, and I didn't see the human side, not often anyway. 

Then the littlest of things, made my wall, my barrier crumble.  It was strong, and then I loosened, thinking that maybe this time, things will be different.   This time, just maybe this time, things won't turn out like they did before.  This time, I won't be doomed to the cycle of gain and loss again. 

What happened shattered me, it brought upon feelings of anger, anger that I can't release myself from.  Anger that I keep bottling up, and it turns into resentment, and I condition myself to think that they're all the same, and then I don't let them in.  

Fear swept over me as I think of the events .  I didn't think it could happen to me, because I thought I was strong, and it would take something so much bigger to overwhelm me. 

I felt angry because, as a person, I choose to do the right thing, and behave like an adult, where as if I made the other choice of behaving like a child, throw a tantrum, attention seek and sulk, things will go my way. 

But that's not who I am, and that's who I'm never going to be. 

But that's not who I ever will be portrayed as either.  

People think I'm invincible, and whatever life throws at me, I will always come up with a solution and things.  People think that I will always get up when I get bogged down.  People think I don't cry.  People think of me as the person I portray myself to be. 

But then, I showed my human side.  

I didn't even recognise it. 

My human side got hurt, got angered, got pissed, experienced emotions, became speechless, my argumentative side quietened down, and my thoughts scatter.

It was unfair to me that when I choose to do the right thing, the hard thing, I am treated as though I have done something wrong. 

I don't think I can forgive, I don't want to get angry either, but I do keep thinking about it. 

It is not going to take over my life. 

I am in control.

"Expecting life to treat you well because you're a good person is like expecting a bull not to charge because you're a vegetarian"

When I Grow Up

Ever had one of those moments where you look back at your reaction to a situation and thought how stupid it is now?

I had one of these moments.

You think that you'll never be able to live without an ex partner, or that he's the only one for you, or the fact that you would die without him in your life.

I'm still alive, and typing, and very hungry.

It just shows me how, as we go through our teenage years, everything is such a big deal. We tell ourselves things like, I'll never love again, its the end of the world, nothings ever going to go right for me etc..

Isn't it silly?

It wasn't at the time though, but now that I look back on it, and I laugh hysterically at it sometimes(no shoes for the formal!!! Kill me!) and sometimes I wonder what was I thinking?!!

We all do that, look back on things and wish that it could have been different. But the good thing is, we can't turn back time, yes I said it, WE CANNOT TURN BACK TIME. I may not be one of the few that wish it could happen, but life goes on, and its for the better.

Ciao Readers,

annie.g