Have made a massive list of all the qualities that I want in a future bf/partner/husband. I didn't initially know the purpose of it, but then it became clear to me that it was more of a barricade then a non negotiable list. I don't know if that is for the better or for the worse though?
For the better would be, not settling for anything less, enjoying the freedom that single life gives me, not feeling guilty about the amount of time I have to dedicate to this person, focusing on my career, not having to attend to anyone but myself, having high standards and actually hitting that goal, be a girlfriend and not a mother and not feeling like I'm missing out on anything.
If he is not perfect, then I don't want him.
For the worse, I miss out on what could have been, bad timing, rejection, rejecting, sparing others feelings, not falling head over heels into anything, being too safe, missing out on opportunities, the perfect guy not being available anymore, bad timing and finally realising that everything I want is possible, but then I become insecure. That is what makes the world go round, isn't it?
Recently, I've discovered, or should I say rediscover someone who was there ages ago, but I never noticed him, and now that I realise that, he's unavailable.
Is this going to happen everytime I find a decent guy? Everytime I come close, something hinders me, something as trivial as he doesn't have ambitons, or he leaves dishes in the sink without rinsing them, or even the fact that he has an ugly shirt. It completely turns me away, and I wonder sometimes, if maybe, I'm never going to find this guy, because
1) I'm a perfectionist, realist and stern person.
2) The perfect timing.
I'm confused. I keep thinking that I'm not good enough and start projecting all these insecurities, which is nothing when its with me, but with him, I start saying stupid things, and I become speechless, where as per usual, I don't need to be so conscious of myself.
Solution, please find me.
G.
