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I seriously do not know who I hate more right now.  Me or Him .  I don't want to struggle anymore.  I never thought that it was possible for me to be so hung up on one guy.  I really thought that this time, I really had something going for me.  I want to move away to Canada, but I really want to look after my mum.  I don't know what to do anymore.  Crying just makes it more pointless and painful. 

I just don't get it. 

Seriously. 

Why me?

Except this Guy

Taken the Liberty to post the list on this site. 

Annie's MUST HAVE, NON NEGOTIABLE qualities for a Man who would like to be considered. 

1. Charismatic

2. Lovable

3. Charming

4. Intelligent

5. Smart

6. At Least 5 years older than me. 

7. Likes the beach/ocean

8. Likes Rainforests

9. Likes Nature

10. Likes Chicken

11. Loves Being Healthy

12. Respected Role Model

13. Fun

14. Funny

15. Dry Humour

16. Sensitive (at the right times)

17. Masculine

18. Dependable

19. Gives Good Massages

20. Likes To Travel

21. Enjoys Sports

22. Reads

23. Literate

24. Educated

25. Kind

26. Genuine

27. Never hides anything from me

28. Kind

29. Compassion

30. Muscles

31. Independent

32. Trusts Me Completely 

33. Gets Along with my parents/cousins

34. Gets Along with my friends

35. Social

36. Easy Going but Stands His Ground

37. Doesn't Give in to me

38. Can Laugh at Himself

39. Can Laugh Out Loud

40. Outgoing

41. Confident

42. Caring

43. Strong

44. Deals well with crisis

45. Handles Pressures Well. 

46. Ambitious

47. Keeps His Word

48. Integrity

49. Loves Art

50. Loves Music

51. Loves Diverse Cultures

52. Can learn to appreciate new things. 

53. Handsome

54. Has a sweet smile

55. Adores Me

56. Hugs Me

57. Makes me Feel Safe and Protected. 

58. Happy

59. Quirky

60. Organised

61. Emotionally Mature

62. Daring

63. Challenging

64. Creative

65. Solution Orientated

66. Eager to learn more

67. Doesn't stay in his comfort zone

68. Correct Spelling and Punctuation

69. Extensive Vocabulary

70. Appreciates Simple Things

71. Knows My favourite colour

72. Positive

73. Knows how to cook

74. Decent Dress Sense

75. Can dance with me in the middle of the Street

76. Loves Floorboards

77. Respects Women

78. Dignity

79. Stimulating Conversationist

80. A Real Man - Like Paedro

81. Loves to Dance

82. Loves to Sing.

83. Sings to me.

84. Not Controlling

85. Not Possessive

86. Can spend time away from me

87. Does his own thing. 

88. Always make the effort to spend time with me. 

89. Courteous

90. Doesn't Let Money Govern His Life

91. Generous

92. My best friend. 

93. Go through the good times together, but especially the trialling times as well. 

94. Spontaneous

95. Definite

96. Decisive

97. Good Hygiene 

98. Knows my favourite Flowers

99. Punctual

100. Safe & Secure

101. Changes for the better

102. Loves Me.

103. Accpts Advise

104. Humble

105. Neat

106. Loves His Parents

107. Good Posture

108. A list Maker

109. GREAT communicator 

110. Has a car

111. Is able to maintain the car

112. Doesn't Smoke

113. Doesn't drink to the point where it makes me feel uncomfortable

114. Handyman

115. Fast learner

116. Responsible

117. Listens attentively

118. Child Like but Not Childish

119. Acknowledges Me

120. Knows My Fears

121. Talks to me while I listen

Apparently, this guy is still in hiding? Hmmm....

Brandy&Monica&Keyshia

No guy is ever going to keep me waiting again. 

No guy is going to leave me wondering if he's interested in me or not. 

No guy will ever play me.  

No guy is going to ever take me down again. 

No guy will ever take away my control. 

No guy will ever think he owns me. 

No guy will ever look down on me. 

No guy will ever take away my independence. 

No guy will ever govern the way I feel again. 

I am that girl. 

I am a strong, smart and stunning. 

In The Space of 3 Weeks

I had my surgery on Wednesday the 4th.  It was pretty freaky, but I had my mum and Cindy there with me.  The last thing I remember before the anesthetics kicked in was talking to the pre-op nurse about Canada.  Next thing, I hear my name being called as the nurses waked me and wheeled me into my room.  Cindy and mum were there, and i waved at mum cause she kept staring at me. 

I had 2 tubes to drain the fluids and one for the IV drip.  I was pretty freaked out, and unbelievably sore.  The nurses kept coming in to take my blood pressure.  There was some red stuff splashed all over my face from pre-op paste of some sort to kill all the bugs.  

I told Cindy that my surgeon, who never smiles at me, came in to see me before the operation and drew markings on where he was going to cut.  He was happy, and smiled.  Asked me if I had any questions, and I told him he looked good in blue and he chuckled. Cindy joked that he was so happy with his work of art, and thats why he kept smiling.  He drew such a beautiful line...hehehe!

I talked to the lady next to me, she was very friendly, and we talked about names, travel, occupation and the most random things.  Her name was Fiona.

The anethesis  came in and poked a needle through my arm for the anesthetics, telling me that there was no such thing as a friendly needle. 

I tried to eat after my operation, just green jelly and water, but I couldn't and threw it all up.  Ew. Gross. I know. 

I lied there, and the nurses were really nice.  Especially Lisa & Patricia. And also a nurse who was from the Philippines that was so nice to me during the night. 

Manh and Ti came to visit me the day after, and I thought they went together, but it was just coincidental. 

It made me think about ttran, and how much I wish he was there.  He just worked across the road, and even though he was the closest person, he was also the furthest.  But he didn't know about it, so I can't really expect much from him. 

I was on OzHonda, and I was reading through the posts, and I realised that one of the accounts was his.  I cried to myself, and called Mo.  Not knowing what to do, and being so upset, that he doesn't even acknowledge my existence, and I have probably been long forgotten.  And I, still holding onto him, and not letting go. 

I started to write, and this I shared with Cindy. 

I missed him so much, I just wanted him to come bursting through the doors, and tell me that everything is going to be OK. 

When I think of him, I think of how easy it would be for me to go through this.  To have someone who loved me and be strong for me.  But I had to be strong for myself.  Everytime a bloodtest had to be taken, everytime my tubes and drains caused me to ache, everytime I experienced any pain from having the tape ripped off, and the stinging feeling I get when they clean my wound.  I had his scarf with me, with his scent, and i felt comforted.  But who was I kidding, I was trying to re-create something that has been long gone, and I was only hurting myself even more.  He was never going to turn up. 

I asked Ti to delete my OzHonda account because I didn't want him to think that I was stalking him.  And it hurted me so much, because I thought that he was the guy that I was going to spend the rest of my life with.  But it was just a dream a hope that I tried to force into reality, when really, it didn't belong there. 

This had made me realise that maybe, I'm not meant to date.  I'm not taking it from bad experiences, but I just don't think there is that guy and that relationship that exists for me. 

I have fears that he will not acknowledge, like if he's late, I automatically think he's dead.  Or spending quality time with each other as well as time apart. 

I keep thinking about him, and I need a good slap in the face over and over again until I realise that he is never coming back.  

Like I said, if he loved me, he would be in my life right now. 

One day, my super awesome guy will come along, and I will have forgotten all about this. 

I don't want to go into a relationship with someone, and thinking that the guy is him.  It would be so unfair to the both of us. 

I'm just at home resting now.  No calamari is the hardest. 

This has to only have made me tougher.  As Manh told me, I survived Cancer. 

Nothing's Impossible. 

Learning how to Shuffle for TechnoBoy!  SO EXCITED!!

And saving up for an EP3 :):):) Custom Plate 02-KXX