Mmm..Coffee

I'm drawing up a business plan to launch TAG - theanniegizer.

Sometimes, you just have to forget that you're an adult with TOO MANY THINGS TO DO, and pretend you're a 5 again.

Fun with Fitness clothing line for adults. Advocating Health & Fitness as a lifestyle, not a chore for women.

Its a project/company that will fund education where it is needed the most.

Raising awareness that sometimes, Less is more.

Fitness Role Models Recruit!

Start Fitness modeling. You don't have to be super slim and super lean to be beautiful. You just have to treat yourself right, and know that you deserve to be treated right.

Take a trip to South America..!

Just digressing a little... my life has fluctuated big time over the past year. I thought I found the guy I was going to spend the rest of my life with, but it ended up being one of the hardest toughest heartbreak I've yet to go through. Found out I had cancer, survived cancer. So 2 things that happened that broke me completely, I could have destroyed myself with alcohol, drugs and smoking, but I didn't, man am I tough. Thought I had no goals, no purpose, no future, no potential, but I am wrong.

I'm going to educate and motivate. I'm going to be successful and truly happy. I'm going to change lives. I'm going to be a fitness role model for young girls & women.

Not waiting for my life to happen, going to make things happen for my life, cause I've got what it takes.

"True beauty is an inside job"

Am currently in promotions and personal training and marketing and advertising and sales.

Needs to look at Virgin Blue, Rockwear, Lorna Jane & Energetiks.

Lesson Learnt

Today I learnt that people who you thought would never hurt you because you would never do the same thing to them will really FUCK YOU OVER BIG TIME and not feel guilty about it.

That is all.

What? You're Alive?!!!

Just wanted to put something here after b eing away for so long.

Films I love

I love...

1. An Education

2. Miss Potter

3. Becoming Jane

4. Elizabeth

5. Ever After

6. Pride and Predjudice

7. Atonement

8. The Painted Veil

9. Igor

10. Robots

11. Victoria

12. Whip It

13. 500 Days of Summer

14. Coco Chanel

15. The Blind Side

I love, because I can.

Without a reason, it feels like you belong

I'm currently listening to Anthony Hamilton, Dear Life. Its one of my all time favourite songs.

These past few weeks, have been challenging for me. I find myself crying again and again because I miss him so much. I just want to be the girl who laughed, and skipped and not carry on so many responsibilities. I find myself walking without a reason, doing things, without a purpose.

I don't know what came over me, but I knew I had to run away. Run away from this hurtful place, run away from everything I grew up loving. I thought about moving over to Korea or Canada. I don't know why, but I needed to run away. I needed to just run away and start a new life, a life that never experienced what I had experienced in the last 7 months.

I feel so helpless, and more so hopeless in those around me who used to aid me in getting up again once I have fallen. But even they don't believe in me anymore. I don't know or have a purpose. I never thought I'd be the girl who would find herself in this situation. But I am. And I am awaiting my rescuer, whoever they may be.

But, what I found out, even though too confronting, and true, was that my life is not that of the lives I read in books. I have to live so realistically now, and my ability to dream, write, read and love have been shaken. I want to be hopeful, but every realistic bone in my body tells me, who are you kidding? Being the hopeful person that I was was the reason I got myself into this mess.

Before Tony, I was not hopeful. He came and made it clear to me that the things that my heart have always longed for, the kind of things that I read in books growing up, was possible, because he will make it possible.

I let myself believe that this was possible. Maybe, after all the hardship that I have gone through, someone was finally coming to lead me into the life that I have always read about and have been hopeful about.

I believed him without question, without fear, without doubt, and he told me that he wasn't the guy who would be able to bring the story I have always thought too far out of reach into reality for me.

I was and am still in denial. How could the one time I have been so sure, the one time that I was willing to take a risk, it shattered my spirit and turned me into this robotic, numb and cold person?

What happened to the girl that smiled on a regular basis, the girl who had faith even though it was questioned, the girl full of life, the girl who knew that one day, something good will happen for her.

Reality, pushed and shoved, and shoved some more, and still she got up, the girl I was knew that there was something better, that the things she read out of books was possible for her. Reality, kept pushing and shoving her, and still she got up, knowing that she was stronger than she was the first time around. And then, one day, she never got up.

She knew that the moment that she got up again, the pushing and shoving will begin again. So if she was down all the time, the pushing and shoving won't hurt so much. It will become a norm for her.

But she sees people who do have the life she has always read out of books, and she wishes that it was her. But it isn't. She doesn't understand why, but knows the life that she wants is way out of reach now. Too far. Too far to run and chase it.

When my boss told me that he was no longer continuing his business, I started to freak out because all this time, I have focused on work so much, overworked myself, and now, when I realise that there is no more work for me to focus on, and now I have time to focus my energies on other things, I don't know what to do.

I have been using work as a barricade and with work. I have been using work as an excuse not to deal with the other things in my life. I used work to distract myself from other things that would hurt me. I didn't need to face anything because I was too busy with work. I didn't have to deal with my problems if I had other people's problems I need to fix first.

The urge to run away and move away have lessened over the past few days. I beat myself up about it because I didn't have anyone else to drill some sense into me.

I had to tell myself that I had to stay and fight, not get up and run every time something is wrong. Why should I be the one who runs?

And when I run, I'll miss out on the things that I grew up loving, my brother especially. And what about my sister? What kind of person would she grow up to be?

My family is so important to me, and even now, I feel so disconnected with them. I am so jealous of Tony. He have always had the life that I read in books going for him, and he is so effortless in achieving it. I'm going to say it. Its not fair. I have never done anything wrong in my life to hurt anyone. I shouldn't be the one who has to run. I have done everything right by the books, and there are people like him who are so smart, that they find the loopholes, or are fortunate enough to be in the right place at the right time.

And me, I have to run. Why do I have to run? He is never the one who is running. Its always me that has to. I don't want to run, but I don't know of any other options.

I don't know what to do.

I keep typing these messy blogs.

The last place that I actually feel safe and child like is with my driving instructor. It takes me back to when I was younger and I was learning how to drive. I let go of all my troubles, and I just laugh to my hearts content, and be 17 again. When I never met him.

I keep telling myself that it never happened, and if it never happened, there is no reason for me to be upset by it. Because, it never happened.

sweetespirit.

I don't believe in Dreams.

I don't want to be able to dream anymore. Dreams gives you hope of a better future, of changes that won't ever happen no matter how hard you try.

I don't know if I'm making the right decisions by overworking myself, but I think of the alternative, and it leaves me with another dead end.

I don't want to sit at home and cry about him anymore. I don't want to close my eyes, and think of what could have or should have been.

He left me because I wasn't the right girl for him. And I'm silly enough to still hold onto it.

I don't want to dream of our lives together, the places we would go, people we would meet, adventures we will discover and a home we will spend time together in.

I don't want to dream anymore. Because I don't believe that there is a better future for me. I used to believe in it, and now I am left to believe in something false and unrealistic.

KOOKY is my middle name

Annie Kooky Duong?

No.

Then why did you state that in your Blog Title?

Cause Kooky is my middle name.

But I thought...

---

Just thought I'd list some things I want to accomplish this year. I especially don't like goal setting during this time of the year, when everyone is hyped up about losing weight just because TBL is on, be realistic, not caught up in the moment. I don't like to set goals, but I like lists.

So here's another one.

1. Bodybuilding
2. Roller Derby
3. Volleyball
4. Master how to dance hip hop / shuffle.
5. Master how to tune cars
6. Master how to Fish
7. Master accounting
8. Learn about the Law
9. Purchase a Business
10. Personal Training Part Time
11. Master Bartending
12. Master to how to make good coffee
13. Grow my hair
14. Travel HK/ England/Ireland/Germany/Canada/Korea/Japan (for car parts of course :))
15. Teach English
16. Go temple more frequently
17. Melbourne & Sydney
18. Own an EP3

Yes, MASTER not LEARN, set your goal that high, fall off on your way up , and I'll kick you some more when you're down.

Oh I haven't finished kicking. Not yet.

Thats the extent of my list.

This beat is crazy, this guy, a-mazing.

Tomo the Homo

Don't judge me, I'm only Human.

I cannot resist the whole, I don't really smile kinda guy, who always fixes little bits of his hair, who has an expression you can't read but you can tell he just woke up and how he smiles with his eyes and never shows his teeth......i'm such a sucker.

Here he is, the love of my life, who can also, drumroll please! SING!

Korean dudes...ahhhhh *wipes that little bit of drool away*

I never ever EVER thought I'd write anything about this. But here I am, swept by guys with long hair, girly muscles and smiling eyes.

So my sister tells me, " Hey! This guy looks like ... you should totally check him out, his name isTomo." Who I like to call, Homo, because it rhymes.

I think he's cute in his quirky little ways, he's not super hot or good looking, but I love quirks :)

Yes, I have conformed to being a super teeny boper kid who likes hello kitty, scratch that hello kitty bit...

Taking it easy before I head into the hosp. again, Korean Drama Time! Oh Yeah!


.....my goodness what have I become?

So? You think you can eat man?

It has officially started guys. The wait is over. The Man eating comp begins as of today. Good luck to you all. I'm going to win....hehehehe!

I remember

I remember the first time I met him, I thought to myself ew. :)

I remember admiring his ability to construct a sentence that led me to notice his extensive vocabulary.

I remember receiving a text from him asking "are you here yet?"

I remember feeling warm inside when I received that very text message.

I remember him telling me, Welcome to Melbourne, and my cousins and sister burst out in giggles.

I remember admiring the intonation of his voice.

I remember stumbling over my words because I was so nervous around him.

I remember thinking that he was only being friendly, and that he had no interest in me at all.

I remember ticking off decent dress sense on my list.

I remember being addicted to his scent.

I remembered when he slid his hand across my waist.

I remembered screaming out, DON"T JAY WALK! And I did so myself anyway, feeling like a complete criminal.

I remember him asking me if I wanted a hug, and I said no because I thought he was being friendly and thoughtful, and later, I found out that he was about to tell me then that he liked me.

I remember, seated on a bar stool, while I watched him play pool.

I remember him asking me, YOU DON"T KNOW RAIN?! Who is that anyway? :p

I remember when he asked me, Can I tell you something?

I remember that I replied with, What?

I remember him whispering to me, I really like you.

I remember feeling safe in his arms.

I remember 'the I'm gonna kiss you now move'

I remember I chickened out.

I remember being glad that it was him I shared my first kiss with.

I remember him fixing my hair.

I remember smiling to myself all the way home.

I remember the text, are you home yet?

I remember him telling me things I didn't know about him, because he wanted to be honest with me.

I remember loving him even more, rather than being driven away.

I remember being angry because he could never stay on the line for too long.

I remember when I arrived in Brisbane, he was the first person I called.

I remember him telling me, it doesn't matter where we go, I just want to see you. But we're not going shopping. :D

I remember when he had to bail, and later on received his call to come and pick him up.

I remember the moment I saw him, I thought to myself, that this whole thing was a dream, and he was about to wake me up by telling me it was a hype of the moment impulse.

I remember asking him if he missed me while hugging him so hard, I'm pretty sure he struggled to breathe.

I remember him whispering to me, like crazy.

I remember, all I could think about was him.

I remember going to buy tea for us to spend time together on Saturday.

I remember him being late.

I remember crying to myself, and telling myself that I would never let him do this to me again.

I remember admiring his ability to communicate with my friend while I was in the back seat.

I remember, feeling so lucky that I had someone who loved and cared about me.

I remember when he told me that it was over.

I remember when I begged and pleaded, and he still left me.

I remember trying to wipe the slate clean, and still he accused me of something I
didn't do.

I remember my heart being ripped out and slammed the moment he told me that it was over.


I remember when I cried every night continuously because I didn't know what it was that I did wrong.

I remember hating myself for being so vulnerable, gullible and faithful in our relationship.

I remember laughing and crying at the same time because I didn't know how or what I was suppose to feel.

I remember dragging myself into work late everyday with no purpose.

I remember hoping that THIS was all a dream.

I remember continuing to struggle without him in my life, going to weddings on my own, going to eat out on my own, people asking me if I'm single, answering yes when a that wasn't the case a few weeks back.

I remember feeling so ashamed and embarrassed because I was so stupid to believe that I could have had something so wonderful going for me. For the first time, I thought it was possible for someone to love me for all the right reasons.

I remember the biopsy that I had to go through, and how much , everything is going to be ok, coming from him would have made it less painful.

I remember getting my test results back.

I remember my doctor telling me you have cancer.

I remember having no reaction to the news because I didn't know how to react, and I didn't want to cry, because crying solves NOTHING.

I remember crying in my car on the way home.

I remember drying it all up as soon as I hit the front door, pretending that everything was OK.

I remember just dragging myself to my room and crying again.

And the day after that.

I remember not wanting to be a burden, or to have people fuss over me, or get upset because of the news I have given them.

I remember suffering all by myself.

I remember telling myself that I have no right to cry, and then cried anyway.

I remember trying to be tough, but cried again.

I remember getting annoyed at myself for crying, and there was nothing I can do to stop it, my hormones controlled me now, not my conscious.

I remember heading into surgery, Cindy & Mum woke up at 6 am to go with me.

I remember my that I made my surgeon laugh.

I remember someone calling my name and I was wheeled into my room, with my mum just gawking at me, and I gave her a wave with my free arm.

I remember Cindy & Mum telling me that they found great bargains in the city, and that they also got SABA jeans for me.

I remember laughing because I thought it was so cute.

I remember wishing that he was there the moment I woke up.

I remember that he worked not too far away.

I remember how nice the nurses were to me.

I remember thinking of him every time I was in pain, struggled to breathe, or had needles pierced through my skin over and over again.

I remember the day I was released, is that the right word? released? I wished it was him that picked me up with my mum.

TBC - :):)

I love.

I love that he was an educated speaker. Not just any ordinary educated speaker, but one that paid attention to detail, the very fine detail. How the word is spelt, and when to use it in a sentence, and what other words is suitable together and words that should never EVER be used colloquially. I don't fall in love with words that are scripted, or even cliched. I admire when a gentlemen can string a sentence together that sounds like it came from a book written by a very very talented author. Instead of the commoner, that abuses these words.

So that's what I admiringly love. Words that aren't common, words that tells me that this gentlemen, have read novels, and has adapted the language of the written word.

That's why I loved An Education & The Blind Side. And a man who never takes his words lightly and lives by them.

I love. Because I admire.

FLAWS FLAWS FLAWS

I was never able to see his flaws. I establish in my mind that he was perfect, that there was nothing he was incapable of and that he was invincible. Just how I view Cindy, and how others view me. People thought we were invincible, we're not, but we try to appear so. We’re only human, and we definitely have flaws. Some flaws, more visible then others, while other flaws are quietly hidden away, and when the moment gets tough, the tough pulls these flaws out and use it as a shield.

I created someone who was perfect in my imagination. I took one quality, and magnified it by a hundred folds and then added other qualities that could be linked to it. Cause ya know, I’m a linker baby ;) .

This is unfair on the other person because it puts immense pressure onto them to be something that they do not yet possess, but because it is so realistic in my mind, there is no question as to why they cannot possess such a quality.

BIG X NO. 1.

Accept that your partner/parent/friend/sibling is imperfect. Don't raise the bar too high and then entice them to jump that bar when they have had no training beforehand.

It is unrealistic, and unfair.

Enjoying being single for all the right reasons.

Annie - G

Random? I don't think so.

craving a cafe di luna banana smoothie....mmm

Hush Hush.

So here I am again, writing and still feeling as stupid and pathetic as ever. It seems to be a never ending thing doesn't it?

So here's all the bits and pieces leading up til now.

I was at work the other day, and couldn't even lift a box of paper. For all of you who know me well, you would know that I am very masculine, or at least, try to be as much as possible. You know, I'm the type of guy that doesn't ask for directions, lift heavy things because I think asking for help would make me look weak, carry my own stuff, never ask for help, I have this pride issue, my word is pretty much my life and I try to show other guys that just because I'm a girl, doesn't mean that I can't do anything or everything that they can. I am either a super fast learner or a super super slow one, and I learn things easily when they are complicated or I can connect them up using my own analogies.

And then, once in awhile, there's this girl side of me that comes out and screams, I'm just a girl, I'm just a girl. And I don't mind being a girl, I just mind the fact that it makes me so weak as a human being. When I need assistance with lifting something, I cry, I overthink, I like it when a guy is overprotective of me, I like being noticed, I use my charming qualities to its highest peak. I never used to be so reliant on anyone, until my surgery. Even I know now that my body is much much weaker, but I don't want anyone to see that. As a guy would say, it feels like I've lost one of my balls.

Hmm, been learning a lot lately. Writing in my iphone because I haven't been able to get to a computer, I'll just copy and past it here because I am super super tired...& depressed. Oh you heard me, depressed. I've been knocked down so many times, its so hard to get up, but I know that I eventually have to. Man I need a good slap in the face. Probably not one, but a few more.

---

I saw him that night. A part of me knew it was going to happen.

He looked at me with the same intensity he always does.

My fear kicked in, my heart started to race. The memories of me begging him not to leave came flooding back into my mind.

My dad is the future him.

I should be happy, happy that he let me go.

The perfect tony has always been my own creation in my mind and he doesn't exist. He only exists in my imagination.

I've learnt alot more from this crushing blow than any other. I've learnt to hold my tongue, I've learnt how to be clever with my words, I've learnt the expressionless hard to read look, I smile less, I am more cautious, I have traded in my ability to love, I can't imagine myself married to anyone if I can't love them like I loved him, no conditions , no fear.

He was the first partner I ever shared a kiss with. Before that, I never knew what it was like to kiss your boyfriend for the first time. Maybe thats why its so hard for me.

I will never say yes to a guy anymore, no matter how right it feels. They will lose interest if I don't give in, and they'll give up pursueing me. I might miss out on a wonderful relationship, but I fear it now , I don't want to ever beg again. I don't want to ever try.

I focus on taking care of my parents now, and my grandma. It's about time I grew up.

It's only going to get rougher from now on.

I've given up on love.

Where was he when I was in hospital. He was modding his car. It still hurts every time I read it.

If a guy doesn't realize how lucky he is to have you in his life everyday, he doesn't deserve you.

When will I truly believe that?

---

Today I feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest. I feel like I've been set free, after months of personal torture of my emotions. Don't know if this is a new beginning for me or something even worse is yet to come. I know now that, I do not rely on my feelings anymore, and am now even more realistic then ever,words are chosen carefully, and now have now become an observer. I've finally accepted that some things were never meant for my control or my decision. Nothing I can say or do will change what has already been said and done.

I just don't believe in anything anymore. I wish I still had some hope to hold onto. But now, I'm just an empty person walking around, not even looking for help anymore because I believe that all has been lost.

Everyone has their motive , and I don't want to experience the pain I have in the last 5 months of my life.

I am lucky to be alive. And it's about time I start looking after my parents.

I need to be strong, even though my body is weak. No. I have to be stronger than ever, even though its just a front.


So that's it for me today! I'm going to watch AVATAR in 3D now.

Also a good movie. The Blind Side.

Oh, and welcome to 2010.

mcfannygizer.