Hush Hush.

So here I am again, writing and still feeling as stupid and pathetic as ever. It seems to be a never ending thing doesn't it?

So here's all the bits and pieces leading up til now.

I was at work the other day, and couldn't even lift a box of paper. For all of you who know me well, you would know that I am very masculine, or at least, try to be as much as possible. You know, I'm the type of guy that doesn't ask for directions, lift heavy things because I think asking for help would make me look weak, carry my own stuff, never ask for help, I have this pride issue, my word is pretty much my life and I try to show other guys that just because I'm a girl, doesn't mean that I can't do anything or everything that they can. I am either a super fast learner or a super super slow one, and I learn things easily when they are complicated or I can connect them up using my own analogies.

And then, once in awhile, there's this girl side of me that comes out and screams, I'm just a girl, I'm just a girl. And I don't mind being a girl, I just mind the fact that it makes me so weak as a human being. When I need assistance with lifting something, I cry, I overthink, I like it when a guy is overprotective of me, I like being noticed, I use my charming qualities to its highest peak. I never used to be so reliant on anyone, until my surgery. Even I know now that my body is much much weaker, but I don't want anyone to see that. As a guy would say, it feels like I've lost one of my balls.

Hmm, been learning a lot lately. Writing in my iphone because I haven't been able to get to a computer, I'll just copy and past it here because I am super super tired...& depressed. Oh you heard me, depressed. I've been knocked down so many times, its so hard to get up, but I know that I eventually have to. Man I need a good slap in the face. Probably not one, but a few more.

---

I saw him that night. A part of me knew it was going to happen.

He looked at me with the same intensity he always does.

My fear kicked in, my heart started to race. The memories of me begging him not to leave came flooding back into my mind.

My dad is the future him.

I should be happy, happy that he let me go.

The perfect tony has always been my own creation in my mind and he doesn't exist. He only exists in my imagination.

I've learnt alot more from this crushing blow than any other. I've learnt to hold my tongue, I've learnt how to be clever with my words, I've learnt the expressionless hard to read look, I smile less, I am more cautious, I have traded in my ability to love, I can't imagine myself married to anyone if I can't love them like I loved him, no conditions , no fear.

He was the first partner I ever shared a kiss with. Before that, I never knew what it was like to kiss your boyfriend for the first time. Maybe thats why its so hard for me.

I will never say yes to a guy anymore, no matter how right it feels. They will lose interest if I don't give in, and they'll give up pursueing me. I might miss out on a wonderful relationship, but I fear it now , I don't want to ever beg again. I don't want to ever try.

I focus on taking care of my parents now, and my grandma. It's about time I grew up.

It's only going to get rougher from now on.

I've given up on love.

Where was he when I was in hospital. He was modding his car. It still hurts every time I read it.

If a guy doesn't realize how lucky he is to have you in his life everyday, he doesn't deserve you.

When will I truly believe that?

---

Today I feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest. I feel like I've been set free, after months of personal torture of my emotions. Don't know if this is a new beginning for me or something even worse is yet to come. I know now that, I do not rely on my feelings anymore, and am now even more realistic then ever,words are chosen carefully, and now have now become an observer. I've finally accepted that some things were never meant for my control or my decision. Nothing I can say or do will change what has already been said and done.

I just don't believe in anything anymore. I wish I still had some hope to hold onto. But now, I'm just an empty person walking around, not even looking for help anymore because I believe that all has been lost.

Everyone has their motive , and I don't want to experience the pain I have in the last 5 months of my life.

I am lucky to be alive. And it's about time I start looking after my parents.

I need to be strong, even though my body is weak. No. I have to be stronger than ever, even though its just a front.


So that's it for me today! I'm going to watch AVATAR in 3D now.

Also a good movie. The Blind Side.

Oh, and welcome to 2010.

mcfannygizer.