tnytrn

If he really loved you, and couldn't live without you in his life, he'd be in it right now.

Stop making excuses for him.

La Thi Mo

Today I'm writing about a wonderful friend who has been such an amazing part of my life.

I think we either had lunch or had a merged P.E class together, because it was then that I met her.

Or so she tells me! I really don't remember much of those first few years. Just memories here and there. But she commented on my other blogsite, einnarox. So I'll go from there.

2002 - My first year of Highschool - Mo was in Form Class 8.2, I came late and I was put into 8.6 (apparently we were quite cool..!)

Mo and I didn't spend lunches together, but we did catch the train home together, with our good friend Wendy Truong, who looked after us and made us laugh a lot !

In 2003 - I left for Wynnum North High, and didn't come back to Sunnybank til about Term 3.
Everyone welcomed me back with open arms, and it was good to have familiar faces to talk to.

We celebrated Mo's birthday at school, and I think we skipped school to go get her a cake. We use any excuse to skip school! So this one had a plus!

In 2004, Mo left for Macgregor. I think it was 2004. We hardly ever saw each other, except when my bus vroomed by Garden City. I was still living at Tingalpa at the time.

More often then not I would go about and do my own thing, forgetting that I had such a wonderful friend who was close by.

In 2005 - I started my other blogsite in 2005. Mo continuously supported me and kept in touch with me.

I accepted God into my life early March, and I was so enthusiastic, I always found myself talking to Mo about Him.

Mo accepted God into her life not long after I did. We were now sisters, in Christ.

I loved that the most about my relationship with Mo. She was kind, genuine, honest and giving towards me.

She loved me with a love that I could not describe. I feel safe and that I can be myself around her, because no matter how weird, kooky, embarrassing I am, she would always laugh along and accept me, without any questions.

Mo's love for me, was like an older sisters love that I have never experienced. I was such a lucky girl to have her in my life.

Never once did she lie to me. Never once did she try to gain something from me. Never once did she leave me out in the cold to freeze.

She would always hug me, and tell me that everything was going to be OK.

She would always make me laugh, even when she isn't feeling that great herself.

She would always sacrifice her own needs to meet mine beforehand.

She would always make sure that I wasn't hungry.

She would always help me with my maths homework/assignment.

She would always be there for me when I needed her.

She never judge me for all the things that I did wrong.

These are the comments she posted on my blogsite. It still encourages me to this day.

Hi...Guess who? =D it's SmOw-man hehehhee xD you know who smow man is right? right? ok....(jUst pretend that u do). I just want to say...thanks Sis for being there for me (T-T) i really appreciate that! u r a very beautiful, nice and a caring Sis EVER!! really great to have u by myside or else i wouldn't know what to do with my life today =D guess what i'm Kind of food im going to shout you on the next time i went back to Sunnybank? huh? heheh....if u get it right! i'll get it...if you don't ...well ladida...LOLs joking, i'm only joking....ASIf i'll let my sis Starve!! ok...give u some hints!!...wait..i mean hint (means one right?) yea..hehe...(Subway eat freshh)....oh..oh..i think i give it away already! =D Anyways...gonna see you later...Bai!! take care

Ye...i couldn't agree more!! don't worry Nhu-Nhu..
MTL.

Hi Anny, it's Smowman :p yes...i'm willing to take that step, opening my heart to God. And i know that you and God will always be there guiding me if i go for the wrong track. And Tomorrow i'll take chances and risks in Life going up to David adn talk to him *fingers cross* and i think i can do it with you and God by my side. Reading this Blog about Jesus really make me cry hehe..i know im emotional :p yea...i'll tell you the outcome ay? and Take care sis in Christ..thanks for always be there for me! very appreciated and i'll always be there whenever you needed me.

i do, i do..i see ur sweet sides...hehehe i think!! :s hehehe...*wink wink* I've known u like um...3 years..? make it 2 and a half then, and i think i see the sweet side of urs hehe i say i "think" ok...=D
Smowman!

HI Einna....you know what? i have a eye problems, i have a colour vision problem, and look at ur font colour ...hehe, serious i can't read ay?
love Smowman!

BE strong ANNIE!! I'll always be there for you!!! Love Smowman!

For one of my birthdays, she bought me a name chain with astro-boy on it, I still have it to this day.

We graduated in 2006. On our graduation day, Mo met us at Sunnybank Plaza - where we use to always hang out and eat subway :)

Mo and I thought about moving in with each other. I would have loved that. Because we would have the opportunity to grow even closer to each other, and annoy each other with our annoying habits! OK, maybe not Mo, but my constant Hand washing, cleaning and alphabetising/colour coding and size organisation. We would have friends over and cook for them, play board games and always go out together.

I didn't see much of Mo after that, I just see her here and there, we'd chat on msn and text each other.

It wasn't until she started working at Easy Way that I saw her on a regular basis because my Lindy was a GC Easy Way Pearls addict. Mo would always give her discounts, even though she didn't have to. It was so generous.

I was always so busy and caught up in my own thing that I never called Mo out to have lunch/dinner or a catch up.

Funny how this all goes back to Ttran?

I met Ttran through Hop, who is Mo's older brother. Who I have always admired because he was such a gentlemen, righteous, and polite.

He is a role model that, in my opinion, most guys should follow.

Well, I started to really like Ttran, he made me feel safe, protected and loved.

Things didn't work out for us though. It would have been so perfect though. But who said that life was meant to be perfect?

I thought that it would be a dream come true, had Ttran and I ended up together, which was the initial reality, because I thought we were heading somewhere, and that our play days were over, we were both ready to settle down.

Hop would be his Best Man, and Mo would be my Maid of Honour. I couldn't think of anyone more perfect to witness our Marriage then Hop & Mo. Tony and I both have one sister/brother, and they could be the the groomsmen & bridesmaid.



I seeked Mo for comfort because I was really hurt that things didn't work out for me and Tony. I felt as though she and I have a big gap we need to fill. I felt really bad that I only ran to Mo when I needed her most. She told me that there has always been a connection between us even though we hardly see each other. I really wanted to believe this. But she was being nice to me, making sure that I don't get hurt. I felt the gap between us growing ever so widely, and it hurted me.

I have lost Mo.

I wish I didn't say some of the things that I did. Some of the things I should have just kept to myself and not drag her into the mess that I was in. I should have sucked it up and pretend to be stronger then I really was at the time.

I still feel the hurt that I've lost her.

And I realise that Mo has changed, she was now a stronger person. She was now closer to My Linh, and I honestly feel so jealous.

I'm jealous that I can't do the things with Mo that My Linh does.

I've lost such a wonderful friend, and I don't feel like theres nothing I can do but cry.

I really wish that things could have been different.

But they're not and I'm rambling a bit.

I will touch up this post later.

You don't have to fit in anywhere, you just have to be your own character

I have always struggled with an identity. I have always tried to find a place where I fit in, but it doesn't seem like I fit in anywhere. I always want to be accepted, so I mould myself into the person who would be accepted. I keep striving for this goal, and I keep missing, everytime I think I've come close enough.

I forget that I could be an individual. I forget that I could be me. I forget that I could develop my own persona, my own character, and my own label. I forget that I once was strong and independent. I forget that I didn't need things to fill me and be happy.

I am so lucky, to have amazing role models in my life.

Chu Tam - my boss, an educated Vietnamese man who is so generous and kind.

Bich Ty - A PHD in Chemistry, who shares her life experiences with me. Telling me that she's proud that I'm such a smart girl.

Cindy - My beautiful, charismatic, amazing, talented and funny cousin. Her spirit is so sweet. She does charity work for the Cancer Foundation, even though her schedule is so tight. She helps everyone with everything. I really hope that I can follow her example, and become half decent of a person like her.

Lisa Toh - I am so blessed by Lisa in every way. Lisa and I, although very similar in some areas (we both love green, are left handed and interested in food) are so different in our walks with God. When I struggle, I quit, but when Lisa struggles, she seeks God even more.

She is so humble and genuine in her faith. And reading her blogs has left me to throwing myself to God again, but this time, I won't quit when things get hard.

She has also modelled God's love through her relationship with Torchie. I don't know them as a couple personally, but I love that they are both after God's heart and love before theirs , and He has provided.

I now understand that relationships that has failed in the past is because I was flattered that someone so awesome (I really can't think of another word) great would be interested in someone like me. I think its some kind of joke, and don't want to believe it, but at the same time, I keep striving for something I can't achieve. Like a girl still in highschool, I have crushes, which I know will go nowhere, but was shocked when someone of a higher status took notice of me.

How low is my self esteem to try and find my identity through another person? I always thought that I was confident, but if you try and become an idenitified couple with another person, then are you really? Or are you just pretending? Am I ? Just pretending?

I thought that, having someone meant that I could go to them whenever I'm troubled, go out and have company, be known as a couple who were perfect for each other and the envy of many.

These relationships have failed because these men did not seek to bless me. These relationships have failed because these men were dependent on their feelings (that are like the weather) and what they can get from me physically.

These men, were not men who prayed everyday. These men were not men who seeked God to guide them.

I was exactly like these men.

I refused to believe that God felt the same way about me, with one condition. That I loved him without conditions. He wants to be in a relationship with me, but like how those men treat me, I treat Him the exact same way.

I want to be in a relationship with God because I love Him. I love Him because He first loved me.

I am going to take my time to get to know and learn more about Him.

With him, I am identified. I can be my own character.

Ciao Ciao Amigos

Never leave all your eggs in one basket.

Wow, its been almost 2 and a half months.

I feel alot more refreshed now then I did about a week ago. It just hit me all at once, work, friends, ttran and stress. I broke down and cried in the car again. It really hurted. And it was definitely painful.

I really wanted to run to ttran, and just be in his arms after a rough rough day. But it was silly to think that was even possible for me.

I felt so stupid and pathetic and I really wanted to throw myself under a bus. The pain I felt like it would never end. It was consistent and it was horrible. My throat closed up because of my illness.

That's the other thing. I am really sick, and I thought that if I had ttran to support me, everything would be OK.

I wish I had ttran to go out and eat with, go bowling, long drives and sundays together.

I thought he would never leave me, as a partner and a friend.

I put all of my eggs into one basket, and he knocked it out of my hands.

Its a sudden shock, and sometimes still so hard to believe. I trusted him completely without any questions, or conditions, because my love was child like.

So when he knocked it out of my hands, imagine me just standing there, completely dumbfounded and surprised at the same time.

And then, came denial. That didn't happen, That didn't happen. That didn't happen. No.

Then, the questions.

Why would he do that if he really loved me?

What did I do wrong?

Then the excuses.

Maybe he loves me too much.

He's had a rough day.

I must have said something really hurtful.

Then I start blaming myself.

Its all my fault.

I left all the eggs in one basket, and when he knocked it out of my hands, I refused to believe that it had happened. But, the broken eggs signify that some things can't be mended, recovered or recreated in the exact.

I've learnt that people will break promises, but I believe everything anyone tells me.

I've learnt that people will be dishonest, but why would they lie to me?

I've learnt that people will put themselves first, but I still can't be selfish.

I can't believe that its possible for me to be happy without him. But I am.

Becoming stronger.

Life is not Definite

Over the pass few months, I have been wallowing in self pity, feeling sorry for myself, contemplating never dating again and re-igniting my relationship with God again.

If there is one thing that I am definite about it is that I'm definite. Completely and unquestionably.

Is this a bad thing? Maybe it wouldn't be so if I was right a higher number of times then previously.

I had to learn to admit that I can be wrong. It was hard to admit that I was wrong about something I was so definite about.

But maybe I'm definite because I need certainty. I don't want to be left in the dark, I don't want to be the last to know, I want knowledge and I want people to stop protecting me.

I just keep assuming, and I always think I'm right. How can I be wrong about something I was definite and certain about?

It sucks when you are so definite that you don't want to admit that you're wrong, because how can you be wrong if you were definite?

I am so glad that what I thought was the best thing that ever happened to me was pried from my firm grip. I was still holding on and dragging myself along even though ttran tries to kick and pry me off. I am so stubborn.

I really hope that it did teach me something though. I still am quite confused as to what the lesson was. Because I think to myself, why do bad things always happen to me?

But in truth, who said good things were meant to happen to you? Who said that life was meant to be fair? Who said that ?

Just because you're a good person, and you do the right thing, most of the times the harder choice, doesn't necessarily mean that bad things won't happen to you.

Maybe the lesson I'm meant to learn is about developing my relationship with God before I develop any committment to a guy.

Maybe God, wants me to fall in love with him, without conditions, without reason, without compromise, before he gives me anything else.

I want to fall madly, deeply in love with God.

And I want my life story, to be one that has Him written all in it.

And I don't want to love a guy who doesn't love God. I want my husband to be a man after God's heart.

I am not here to please anyone else.

This is a messy post. Will clean it up later.

Ciao Readers.