I became somebody through loving you.

There are things more complicated than my square/pentagon. 

But here's my one. 

I was in a relationship with my best friends brother's best friend.  Didn't realise that she too liked him.  Now that we're not together anymore, I realise that its her brother that I like, after doing a massive massive loop.  But he likes someone else and will never consider me cause I'm his best friends ex gf. 

I'm never going to tell him anyway.

Wayy too complicated. 

Kinda hurts that I have no control over it. 

My feelings are the reason I got into so much mess.  I'm not going to let my feelings decide anything anymore.  Even if it does feel right - see. so deceptive. 

The more freebies and massive discounts I get from my super charm, the more bad luck I receive.  Sometimes twice or twenty times as much. 

Is it really worth it?

And the moment I step out of line, I get put back into line with a VERY BIG lesson as well. 

Dear Life - Anthony Hamilton

What an amazing artist. 

Its been THAT long.

Man, haven't blogged in ages. So what's been happening eh?! Oh you know. Still on sick leave. And to add to the list of thnigs I can't eat anymore.

1. Eggs
2. Soybeans
3. Tofu
4. Beef
5. Crabs
6. Prawns
7. That green vegie that's long and skinny

So, pretty much something I can do, except that I didn't find out the top 3 until yesterday.

Been having super weird dreams.

No, none of the being pushed over by a cliff by a close friend and then having him trying to pull me up.

More along the lines of this though.

I got caught by my doctor for the money i obtained from selling the bones that I stole from the museum.

I had to make a public apology and when I got on stage.

I argued that I really needed the money and that I didn't even get that much for the bones. Even I knew that stealing was wrong, and I couldn't stop myself from doing that.

Also dreamt about the number 8.

Cool Huh? No. Not Really Annie G.

Realise that I have been doing a big loop. And now that the damage is done, I can't really go back and change them.

I like my friends brother. Who is also an ex's best friend. And I know that even though something could happen for us, it never will. because he will always choose him over me. That kinda hurts when you're that realistic.

Plus, I can just imagine what people would say about me.

Gosh, first him, now his best friend? Are there no guys left in the world Annie?

She's just dating him to get closer to her ex.

And I know that everytime he looks into my eyes, holds me, or kisses me, he will focus on my past. Plus, I think he likes someone else.

Man, when did this start becoming so complicated.

Maybe I'm just in overdrive or something.

Which brings me to this.

I found myself wishing that I was the typical stupid girl. The type of girl that goes out and gets drunk, does drugs, smokes, hooks up with guys to get over her ex.

But I have so much of this pride and integrity, that I can't ever see myself doing something like that. It's like I'm being faithful when I don't have anything to hold onto anymore.

Then I realised. That one day, if I am lucky enough. I will eventually find him, or he will find me, I don't mind either way. And whoever it is, the first time we look into each other's eyes, hold each other's hands, draw eac other in with our kiss, that it would be so amazing, and how I would never ever have to doubt that he loves me, I would never have to compete with anything else in his life.

Man, I've been so wrong so many times before. The one time that I thought that something was worth fighting for, I fought for it. And stupid just keeps slamming me in the face over and over again. The one time that I didn't chicken out and quit.

So what I've learnt is that things don't always go according to plan, and they are almost definitely always indefinitely definite.

Found out someone I really looked up to when I was younger is having her second baby 6 months after she had her first one.

I didn't know how to react to that. I honestly really want her to be happy, but I have my doubts as to whether or not this is what she wanted. And she is one of the toughest girls I know, so if she can't control all these factors in her life, can I?

The thing I'm most definite about, I'm going to be no longer definite about? Its almost like someone is just trying to prove me wrong to spite me.

I know its not like that, I'm just exaggerating.

Too depressing for my own good.

Listening to Echo - Claude Kelly.

'an all I hear in my head is an echo woah.

- Manual lessons (2) has been awesome. From 30 stalls in the first lesson, to 2 on Sunday.

No gloating Annie, no gloating.

<= 2 [ ] 1

I seriously do not know who I hate more right now.  Me or Him .  I don't want to struggle anymore.  I never thought that it was possible for me to be so hung up on one guy.  I really thought that this time, I really had something going for me.  I want to move away to Canada, but I really want to look after my mum.  I don't know what to do anymore.  Crying just makes it more pointless and painful. 

I just don't get it. 

Seriously. 

Why me?

Except this Guy

Taken the Liberty to post the list on this site. 

Annie's MUST HAVE, NON NEGOTIABLE qualities for a Man who would like to be considered. 

1. Charismatic

2. Lovable

3. Charming

4. Intelligent

5. Smart

6. At Least 5 years older than me. 

7. Likes the beach/ocean

8. Likes Rainforests

9. Likes Nature

10. Likes Chicken

11. Loves Being Healthy

12. Respected Role Model

13. Fun

14. Funny

15. Dry Humour

16. Sensitive (at the right times)

17. Masculine

18. Dependable

19. Gives Good Massages

20. Likes To Travel

21. Enjoys Sports

22. Reads

23. Literate

24. Educated

25. Kind

26. Genuine

27. Never hides anything from me

28. Kind

29. Compassion

30. Muscles

31. Independent

32. Trusts Me Completely 

33. Gets Along with my parents/cousins

34. Gets Along with my friends

35. Social

36. Easy Going but Stands His Ground

37. Doesn't Give in to me

38. Can Laugh at Himself

39. Can Laugh Out Loud

40. Outgoing

41. Confident

42. Caring

43. Strong

44. Deals well with crisis

45. Handles Pressures Well. 

46. Ambitious

47. Keeps His Word

48. Integrity

49. Loves Art

50. Loves Music

51. Loves Diverse Cultures

52. Can learn to appreciate new things. 

53. Handsome

54. Has a sweet smile

55. Adores Me

56. Hugs Me

57. Makes me Feel Safe and Protected. 

58. Happy

59. Quirky

60. Organised

61. Emotionally Mature

62. Daring

63. Challenging

64. Creative

65. Solution Orientated

66. Eager to learn more

67. Doesn't stay in his comfort zone

68. Correct Spelling and Punctuation

69. Extensive Vocabulary

70. Appreciates Simple Things

71. Knows My favourite colour

72. Positive

73. Knows how to cook

74. Decent Dress Sense

75. Can dance with me in the middle of the Street

76. Loves Floorboards

77. Respects Women

78. Dignity

79. Stimulating Conversationist

80. A Real Man - Like Paedro

81. Loves to Dance

82. Loves to Sing.

83. Sings to me.

84. Not Controlling

85. Not Possessive

86. Can spend time away from me

87. Does his own thing. 

88. Always make the effort to spend time with me. 

89. Courteous

90. Doesn't Let Money Govern His Life

91. Generous

92. My best friend. 

93. Go through the good times together, but especially the trialling times as well. 

94. Spontaneous

95. Definite

96. Decisive

97. Good Hygiene 

98. Knows my favourite Flowers

99. Punctual

100. Safe & Secure

101. Changes for the better

102. Loves Me.

103. Accpts Advise

104. Humble

105. Neat

106. Loves His Parents

107. Good Posture

108. A list Maker

109. GREAT communicator 

110. Has a car

111. Is able to maintain the car

112. Doesn't Smoke

113. Doesn't drink to the point where it makes me feel uncomfortable

114. Handyman

115. Fast learner

116. Responsible

117. Listens attentively

118. Child Like but Not Childish

119. Acknowledges Me

120. Knows My Fears

121. Talks to me while I listen

Apparently, this guy is still in hiding? Hmmm....

Brandy&Monica&Keyshia

No guy is ever going to keep me waiting again. 

No guy is going to leave me wondering if he's interested in me or not. 

No guy will ever play me.  

No guy is going to ever take me down again. 

No guy will ever take away my control. 

No guy will ever think he owns me. 

No guy will ever look down on me. 

No guy will ever take away my independence. 

No guy will ever govern the way I feel again. 

I am that girl. 

I am a strong, smart and stunning. 

In The Space of 3 Weeks

I had my surgery on Wednesday the 4th.  It was pretty freaky, but I had my mum and Cindy there with me.  The last thing I remember before the anesthetics kicked in was talking to the pre-op nurse about Canada.  Next thing, I hear my name being called as the nurses waked me and wheeled me into my room.  Cindy and mum were there, and i waved at mum cause she kept staring at me. 

I had 2 tubes to drain the fluids and one for the IV drip.  I was pretty freaked out, and unbelievably sore.  The nurses kept coming in to take my blood pressure.  There was some red stuff splashed all over my face from pre-op paste of some sort to kill all the bugs.  

I told Cindy that my surgeon, who never smiles at me, came in to see me before the operation and drew markings on where he was going to cut.  He was happy, and smiled.  Asked me if I had any questions, and I told him he looked good in blue and he chuckled. Cindy joked that he was so happy with his work of art, and thats why he kept smiling.  He drew such a beautiful line...hehehe!

I talked to the lady next to me, she was very friendly, and we talked about names, travel, occupation and the most random things.  Her name was Fiona.

The anethesis  came in and poked a needle through my arm for the anesthetics, telling me that there was no such thing as a friendly needle. 

I tried to eat after my operation, just green jelly and water, but I couldn't and threw it all up.  Ew. Gross. I know. 

I lied there, and the nurses were really nice.  Especially Lisa & Patricia. And also a nurse who was from the Philippines that was so nice to me during the night. 

Manh and Ti came to visit me the day after, and I thought they went together, but it was just coincidental. 

It made me think about ttran, and how much I wish he was there.  He just worked across the road, and even though he was the closest person, he was also the furthest.  But he didn't know about it, so I can't really expect much from him. 

I was on OzHonda, and I was reading through the posts, and I realised that one of the accounts was his.  I cried to myself, and called Mo.  Not knowing what to do, and being so upset, that he doesn't even acknowledge my existence, and I have probably been long forgotten.  And I, still holding onto him, and not letting go. 

I started to write, and this I shared with Cindy. 

I missed him so much, I just wanted him to come bursting through the doors, and tell me that everything is going to be OK. 

When I think of him, I think of how easy it would be for me to go through this.  To have someone who loved me and be strong for me.  But I had to be strong for myself.  Everytime a bloodtest had to be taken, everytime my tubes and drains caused me to ache, everytime I experienced any pain from having the tape ripped off, and the stinging feeling I get when they clean my wound.  I had his scarf with me, with his scent, and i felt comforted.  But who was I kidding, I was trying to re-create something that has been long gone, and I was only hurting myself even more.  He was never going to turn up. 

I asked Ti to delete my OzHonda account because I didn't want him to think that I was stalking him.  And it hurted me so much, because I thought that he was the guy that I was going to spend the rest of my life with.  But it was just a dream a hope that I tried to force into reality, when really, it didn't belong there. 

This had made me realise that maybe, I'm not meant to date.  I'm not taking it from bad experiences, but I just don't think there is that guy and that relationship that exists for me. 

I have fears that he will not acknowledge, like if he's late, I automatically think he's dead.  Or spending quality time with each other as well as time apart. 

I keep thinking about him, and I need a good slap in the face over and over again until I realise that he is never coming back.  

Like I said, if he loved me, he would be in my life right now. 

One day, my super awesome guy will come along, and I will have forgotten all about this. 

I don't want to go into a relationship with someone, and thinking that the guy is him.  It would be so unfair to the both of us. 

I'm just at home resting now.  No calamari is the hardest. 

This has to only have made me tougher.  As Manh told me, I survived Cancer. 

Nothing's Impossible. 

Learning how to Shuffle for TechnoBoy!  SO EXCITED!!

And saving up for an EP3 :):):) Custom Plate 02-KXX

I'm gonna be fine!! Because I'm the Annie-Gizer!!

Manh took me up to the Wesley on Monday. I recorded the appointment with my doctor because I am so forgetful.

Thanks to Manh, I managed to find the courage to tell a few of my friends, including Mo, who I was so afraid of to tell because of my pride.

I was afraid that if I told her, she would reject and push me away like Tony did when I begged him not to go. I was afraid that she was going to start yelling at me like Tony did when he left me.

This was not the case, I sent her a text message because like Tony, she doesn't pick up my phone calls. I told her about my situation and then I headed for the gym and left my phone at home.

When I got home, I saw that there were about 20 missed calls from Mo. Text Messages and missed calls from Annie and Ti as well. My heart began to race as I called her back.

I called Mo back, she was quite speechless and started crying so that made me started to cry as well.

I feel like such a selfish person, everyone has their exams and assignments coming up and all I could think of was how hard it was for me. And how much I needed my friends support.

I was really afraid, and before taking Manh's advice, I felt really numbed and stone cold. I didn't feel like I was human. I responded to the news that I had cancer in a way that was similar to losing a volleyball match. OH too bad! Maybe next time!!

I started to feel a little bit more human, and that I will be OK.

On Tuesday morning, I told my mum casually that I had cancer. She was a bit concerned at first but then she took it easily after I told her that the procedure will be fine.

I need to be confident so that the people around me don't worry and freak out. I am strong and I can make it through this.

I managed to tell both Vincent and Cindy today. It is starting to feel normal to me now. But the fear is kicking in, even though I'm trying not to show it because I'm more afraid of the people around me being scared than myself.

I got a phone call from Terry and it sounded like he's been crying. Mo kept telling me to tell Terry, but I told her I'm not going to because I didn't want him to worry too much.

He told me that his mum went through the surgery as well and that she would like to speak to me regarding this.

I have a theory that Mo passed this on even though I asked her not to. But I wasn't so much as angry, I was more worried about Mo, because she must really be worried and needed to vent somewhere. I feel so bad.

I have been thinking about ttran as of Sunday. But I must keep telling myself that he doesn't want to be in my life3 anymore, and I should kill off any hope of us ever being together again. Because if he loved me, he would be in my life right now. I don't want him to feel sorry for me or make empty promises to me just because I have cancer. As much as I want to see him as soon as I wake up from my operation, I know that it is not good for me because it would just lead to wishful thinking and would have should have and could have sentences.

I am not going to be that girl. My life isn't a movie where the guy magically falls in love with the girl and he hasn't realised it all this time.

I live in the real world. And the reality is ttran is not ever coming back, and I should discard any hope of us ever being together again. I need to get that into my head. He doesn't love me, and he never will again. I should know what its like not to have any feelings for someone, because I used to be emotionless.

I cannot expect him to be in my life, because I will just be let down again and again and its going to be harder for me to pick my self up again.

I need to be strong on my own. And stop dreaming.

I need to be real.

I need to get a grip on reality.

I need to forget about him.

I need to stop dreaming.

I know I can do it. I know I am stronger than I was before.

Surgery is on the 4th November. Isn't that Ngoc's birthday? I wonder where that girl is now. Last thing I heard from her was that she just gave birth.

So depressing at work. Its raining and I just want to curl up in bed.



I'm out for a few weeks!!

See ya..!

One of those posts where any title just won't do.

Today I received a call from my doctor that the results from my biopsy were in. 

I had cancer. 

At first I didn't know how to react, but as soon as I hung up, I started tearing up.  My boss came out and asked me what was wrong.  I asked to leave early because I just received news that I had cancer. 

I cried in the car like I did when I had my biopsy.  But this time there was something different. 

Had I received the news about a week ago, I would have been devastated and I would run to ttran.  Hoping that he'd take me back and support me and that I'd have him back in my life.

I remember when I slipped and I called him, he never called back to see how I was.  He never called back to see if I was OK.  He never called back to confirm that I was still alive. 

I finally realise that I held no special place in his heart, and I would have to go through everything on my own. 

But I'm OK with that, because things have changed for me.   I'm no longer the girl who relied on other people  I'm no longer the girl who needed a guy to validate who she is.  I no longer have to have someone there for me all the time.  I am no longer held captive by my own emotions.  

I am free.  And I am much much stronger than I was before.  After that biopsy, that was when things changed for me.  I'm a fighter and I can make it through anything. 

I decided not to tell my parents because I didn't want them to worry about me.  I didn't tell Annie or Mo because Annie is going through so much right now.  She has exams, a wedding, and lots of assignments and her own struggles.  Telling her would just be selfish of me like the time I cried because I struggled so much with ttran. 

I saw Hop today before I received the news. I said Hi to him and he said Hi Annie.  I am so in love with his accent.

 I really want to tell Mo, but like Annie, she also have exams, assignments and other things to take care of.  I especially didn't want anyone to feel sorry for me or worry about me.  I am going to keep it to myself and I will struggle by myself.  

I really want to tell Howie, but I didn't want everyone in Melbourne to worry about me.  And really, is there anything anyone can change?  No.  So I'm not going to be the girl that is going to be using my condition as an attention seeking tool.  Even though it would be so much easier for me if I had my friends to support me.  And thats all I really want.  Friends there to support me through this rough rough time.  

I could have cried and facebooked something like that.  But I didn't.  I am so proud of myself because I am so much tougher than I was before.  I know that I can make it on my own.  I'm not the Annie I was before. 

If I don't make it through.  Then I have to be OK with that.  I have to accept that.  

I cried because I thought about never being able to speak again.  I've been told that if the surgery doesn't go well,  I might not ever be able to speak again.  I think that would be the hardest to accept. 

But I'm a tough girl.  I'm gonna be alright!  

I can choose to be a little girl about this, and put a negative skin on this.  OR!  I can be positive no matter what happens. 

The world is still open to endless opportunities for me. 

I believe that this is going to only make me even stronger :)

Bring it on baby!!!!

One extreme to the other

Yesterday I went to have my biopsy done at the hospital.

It was so scary, I freaked and my heart raced when I was outside in the waiting room.

A girl who just had her biopsy came out and her partner was waiting for her. I imagined myself with ttran and I started crying because I was so scared, so afraid and if I had him there, I knew it wouldn't be so scary. I imagined that he would try to calm me down and tell me that I was going to be OK.

It was my turn so I manned up and stopped crying because I didn't want to look like a wuss.

They did an ultrasound on me first and then the radiologist came in and poke the needles through my throat 4 times. Every single time, he would try and pump out some cells but no luck.

I lied there and thought about him, and how this would all be easier on me if I had him.

It was all over and I sat in the waiting room with the ice pack. It was really painful. It felt like someone was strangling me with needles on their fingers. I cried silently because I didn't want people to feel sorry for me.

An older lady asked me how it was, and even though she was a stranger, I told her that she was going to be OK, and that it will be over before she even knows it.

As I waited for the result, I sat in my car, and I cried again, this time more freely. I was so scared, so afraid and so freaked out I didn't know what to do.

I called ttran. He didn't pick up, but I left a voicemail. I really needed him as a friend to support me right then because I was so afraid.

Then I sat in the car to cry some more.

As I drove out of the driveway, I cried to myself again. I snapped in a moment and called him when I told myself I would never run back to him, and I would leave him alone.

I told myself over and over again that I don't need him, that I am stronger, that I can do this on my own, that I have to do this on my own.

Tears streamed down my face as I struggled and my hormones went crazy.

I cried at the traffic lights, as I was about to park and some more when I was walking down the stairs.

I felt so scared, so afraid and so freaked out.

That afternoon, I went to have dinner with mum and Cindy. I didn't feel so weak. I felt stronger than I was before I had the biopsy.

I felt like the world had endless opportunities for me.

I felt that ttran no longer held such a special place in my heart.

I felt that I could finally let go.

I felt that I was stronger, much stronger than before.

I felt like I was being let free after being held captive by my own emotions for so long.

I felt like I didn't need a guy to be happy.

I felt like I could do this on my own.

I now know and accept that I will never ever go back to ttran because it just wouldn't be the same.

I am glad he never called me back to see how I was going, because I don't need other people to feel sorry for me, or be in his arms to make me feel better.

I can do this on my own.

I've finally had a breakthrough, nothing is impossible for me now.

Listening to Hush Hush - Pussycat Dolls

Farm of minds

Farm of minds

Oh why!?

I miss ttran so much and I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH FOR IT!

On top of the World!

There's Got to Be more to Life.

There's got to be more to life, than having a job.

There's got to be more to life, than having to get married.

There's got to be more to life, than having kids.

There's got to be more to life, than having a family.

There's got to be more to life, than endless searching for the one.

There's got to be more to life, than living the life mapped out for you by someone else.

There's got to be more to life, than doing something you don't love.

There's got to be more to life, than being mainstream.

There just has to be more.

Its OK to be Human

I burst into tears again on Sunday night. I was in the car with Annie, and we were talking about The Mist, and we got onto the topic of personal character and how lucky we are that we don't go to bed hungry and cold every night.

I slowed the car down, and tears streamed down my face as I showed my struggle with ttran.

I felt terrible that Annie had to see me cry. I felt like a terrible friend because all I ever did was talk about my struggles and myself. I felt so selfish as Annie put her arms around me and tried to soothe me down.

In amongst the tears, I told her how much I've been struggling with ttran, I didn't deserve this and that I don't know whether or not I can keep going. I wanted to be the girl that couldn't feel anything, the girl I was before, the girl that was numb until I met him and he re-ignited all my senses.

I cried because I know that he wasn't struggling like me. I cried because I thought that he was the guy I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I continued to cry because that was so far out of reach for me.

Annie comforted me, and told me that I was only human and that we all make mistakes, sometimes more so than the average. She told me that he wasn't the right guy, cause if he was, he wouldn't have got up and left me. She told me that I don't want to go back to being the Annie I was before I met him, because if it wasn't him, it was going to be some other guy who would re-ignite all my senses.

She told me that some of us are lucky enough to find the one person that we were going to be with for the rest of our lives, others, like myself continue to struggle.

He wasn't the right guy and I kept insisting that he was, when it was getting me nowhere.

I told Annie that I've been through this before, and why did it take so long for me to forget him.

She told me that it was the first time I was serious, and the first time that I was willing to give up everything, the first time that I knew that this was it.

That I'm only human, and I can't just expect to get over him instantly like a Robot. I'm only human and I need to give myself some time to heal. Stop thinking about him and what it could have been.

But I had it all mapped out.

Then make a new map.

I think that's enough from me today.

I need to give myself some time to heal and make a new map, without him.

"The worse thing you can do is to hold onto something that is gone, or try to re-create it."

Far Out Man!!!

This happens every single morning I go to work late.

She just yells for no apparent reason, and is a total beep!

Everytime I retaliate and she can't answer, she uses the "I"m your mother card"

Well, maybe you should start behaving like a mother then!

Goodness!

No-one ever helps me around the house.

Stop picking on the girls, and take a look at your son.

OH Goodness! I'm so angry!!!

And that stupid bitch in the fucking Hyundai this morning, made me so angry too!!!

That's what I'll use in Derby, Crazy Drivers.

No No No No No!!

I'm so weak to him.

I'm letting him govern the way I feel and I hate it!! :(

Check Your Match!

I love this game!

http://www.claxor.com/pages/games.php

This is how we party.

I have every right to be angry. But I'm not going to.

I'm not the Anny I was 5 years ago.

Doing the right thing is a lot harder, and sometimes outrageously unfair (how come she can get away with it but I can't?).

I'm glad that I force myself to make the right choice and do the right thing everytime. I slip al little sometimes though. Its a lot harder, but the self respect and integrity that you put on your self value is immense.

Doing the right thing can sometimes that you miss out, or be accused or even underappreciated.

But at least you don't have to be the girl who has to deal with the consequences later on.

Bring on the challenges.

Davis Snippets

A post by a friend's brother name Davis Hoang.

L-O-V-E

i wont pretend to be some kind of prefessor of love. but i keep hearing ppl ask, 'y would i try luving someone if that someone cud end up hurting me?' or 'how can u stand the person u luv saying they dun luv u anymore?'...

these situations are terrible, truly sad and difficult to deal with. but they'r like anything and everythin in life - if ur afraid of losing, how can u ever win? if u always think ur gonna lose, u'l never know it when u'v won.

love is a difficult topic and if u go at it with all u'v got too quickly and fall, ur gonna b left with nothing to continue with. u need to take things slow, get to know ur partner, understand them (if u can)...

if u do break up, its not the end of the world. sure, it's sudden. sure, it's unexpected. u mite have thought they loved u. but they don't anymore.. u'l get over it. the way i c it, if they didn't realise u were gud enuff to hold onto, then they did u a favour and gave u a chance to find someone who does.

don't even bother trying to get back with someone who has broken up with u. u deserve better than that. however, if someone u'v broken up with and hurt tremendously wants to get back with u, it probably means they really do love u and u'd b an idiot if u let them go a second time.

usually, a person can tell whether the person they'r with wants to b with them or just with somebody. hopefully u find a person who truly wants to b with u.. it's not easy, and not many ppl do..

if ur in love and u get hurt, u'l try to work things out to continue ur relationship. when the going gets tough, u deal with it. u figure it out together.

but it's a choice that everybody needs to make on their own. there are ppl who go thru life happily alone. some ppl require lonliness to b happy. but if ur not one of those ppl, i hope u do find someone u can truly care for and who truly cares for u.

i should write a book XD

It hits you when you least expect it to.

I've been listening to Pastor Judah Smith recently, Mistaken Love & Dating and Your Destiny.

Also been listening to Joshua Harris, Practicing Trust.

These sermons has helped me pull through probably one of the roughest, toughest times I've experienced.

What hit me the most was Pastor Judah's Smith's Dating and Your Destiny.

Been listening to sermons. Pastor Judah smith dating And your destiny.

These past few years, I have gone from relationship, moping and carrying on like a drama queen that life is not worth living if I couldn't have this person.

These past few years, I have spent hating myself for hurting the wonderful men in my life because I couldn't tell my feelings to take a hike because this wasn't the right time for me to be in a relationship.

These past few years, I have spent wishing & wanting something that was taken away from me because it wasn't the right timing.

I'm going through this again, but this time, it hit me hard, because I thought that this time, this was it. But I overlooked that this time, was like all those other times, not the right time.

God is really looking out for me. I now believe that how will bring the right person to me at the right time . He's got that perfect smile that I've always imagined. God will bring him when I am ready. And this relationship will be better than anything that I have had in the past. God will bring him at the right time. He will be a godly man, who loves and seeks god and a man who will love and bless me.

It will be better than anything I've ever experienced.

The pain from the past will no longer hold me captive.

I will not conform to the worlds love. To the love that ttran offers me.

I'm glad god took him away from me.

Now I can focus on my relationship with god.

My authentic relationship with him.

Thank you lord for looking after me .

Seeking Him Steadily.

Post Its

- I need a Derby Doll name
- I have a pride issue.

- I am afraid of hypnotic circles.
-Glitter at my wedding.

I see you through your window, while I'm standing on a tree outside.

Am currently stalking 2 guys!

One drives an EK9 and the other drives a Corolla.

EK9 guy and I drive past each other at about 8 everyday in the opposite direction. He lives in Inala and works at Browns Plains. I work at Inala and live near Browns Plains!

Have never seen the Corolla guy, but he's got a nice done up Corolla Sportivo - oh V-TEC!

If you're the guys I'm stalking, I'm that girl in the civic!

Want me to stalk you? Get a hot hatch.

I love - the EP3

Currently in love with this car. Finally going to start doing things for myself.

Learning Manual so that I can race on the tracks. Going to be very frustrating teaching me manual!

On another note, found the bag that I wanted! I got 2 so that I can customise them both. One for me and one for Mo. I miss her.

Am so excited, going to tear the ugly beads off the bag tonight.

tnytrn

If he really loved you, and couldn't live without you in his life, he'd be in it right now.

Stop making excuses for him.

La Thi Mo

Today I'm writing about a wonderful friend who has been such an amazing part of my life.

I think we either had lunch or had a merged P.E class together, because it was then that I met her.

Or so she tells me! I really don't remember much of those first few years. Just memories here and there. But she commented on my other blogsite, einnarox. So I'll go from there.

2002 - My first year of Highschool - Mo was in Form Class 8.2, I came late and I was put into 8.6 (apparently we were quite cool..!)

Mo and I didn't spend lunches together, but we did catch the train home together, with our good friend Wendy Truong, who looked after us and made us laugh a lot !

In 2003 - I left for Wynnum North High, and didn't come back to Sunnybank til about Term 3.
Everyone welcomed me back with open arms, and it was good to have familiar faces to talk to.

We celebrated Mo's birthday at school, and I think we skipped school to go get her a cake. We use any excuse to skip school! So this one had a plus!

In 2004, Mo left for Macgregor. I think it was 2004. We hardly ever saw each other, except when my bus vroomed by Garden City. I was still living at Tingalpa at the time.

More often then not I would go about and do my own thing, forgetting that I had such a wonderful friend who was close by.

In 2005 - I started my other blogsite in 2005. Mo continuously supported me and kept in touch with me.

I accepted God into my life early March, and I was so enthusiastic, I always found myself talking to Mo about Him.

Mo accepted God into her life not long after I did. We were now sisters, in Christ.

I loved that the most about my relationship with Mo. She was kind, genuine, honest and giving towards me.

She loved me with a love that I could not describe. I feel safe and that I can be myself around her, because no matter how weird, kooky, embarrassing I am, she would always laugh along and accept me, without any questions.

Mo's love for me, was like an older sisters love that I have never experienced. I was such a lucky girl to have her in my life.

Never once did she lie to me. Never once did she try to gain something from me. Never once did she leave me out in the cold to freeze.

She would always hug me, and tell me that everything was going to be OK.

She would always make me laugh, even when she isn't feeling that great herself.

She would always sacrifice her own needs to meet mine beforehand.

She would always make sure that I wasn't hungry.

She would always help me with my maths homework/assignment.

She would always be there for me when I needed her.

She never judge me for all the things that I did wrong.

These are the comments she posted on my blogsite. It still encourages me to this day.

Hi...Guess who? =D it's SmOw-man hehehhee xD you know who smow man is right? right? ok....(jUst pretend that u do). I just want to say...thanks Sis for being there for me (T-T) i really appreciate that! u r a very beautiful, nice and a caring Sis EVER!! really great to have u by myside or else i wouldn't know what to do with my life today =D guess what i'm Kind of food im going to shout you on the next time i went back to Sunnybank? huh? heheh....if u get it right! i'll get it...if you don't ...well ladida...LOLs joking, i'm only joking....ASIf i'll let my sis Starve!! ok...give u some hints!!...wait..i mean hint (means one right?) yea..hehe...(Subway eat freshh)....oh..oh..i think i give it away already! =D Anyways...gonna see you later...Bai!! take care

Ye...i couldn't agree more!! don't worry Nhu-Nhu..
MTL.

Hi Anny, it's Smowman :p yes...i'm willing to take that step, opening my heart to God. And i know that you and God will always be there guiding me if i go for the wrong track. And Tomorrow i'll take chances and risks in Life going up to David adn talk to him *fingers cross* and i think i can do it with you and God by my side. Reading this Blog about Jesus really make me cry hehe..i know im emotional :p yea...i'll tell you the outcome ay? and Take care sis in Christ..thanks for always be there for me! very appreciated and i'll always be there whenever you needed me.

i do, i do..i see ur sweet sides...hehehe i think!! :s hehehe...*wink wink* I've known u like um...3 years..? make it 2 and a half then, and i think i see the sweet side of urs hehe i say i "think" ok...=D
Smowman!

HI Einna....you know what? i have a eye problems, i have a colour vision problem, and look at ur font colour ...hehe, serious i can't read ay?
love Smowman!

BE strong ANNIE!! I'll always be there for you!!! Love Smowman!

For one of my birthdays, she bought me a name chain with astro-boy on it, I still have it to this day.

We graduated in 2006. On our graduation day, Mo met us at Sunnybank Plaza - where we use to always hang out and eat subway :)

Mo and I thought about moving in with each other. I would have loved that. Because we would have the opportunity to grow even closer to each other, and annoy each other with our annoying habits! OK, maybe not Mo, but my constant Hand washing, cleaning and alphabetising/colour coding and size organisation. We would have friends over and cook for them, play board games and always go out together.

I didn't see much of Mo after that, I just see her here and there, we'd chat on msn and text each other.

It wasn't until she started working at Easy Way that I saw her on a regular basis because my Lindy was a GC Easy Way Pearls addict. Mo would always give her discounts, even though she didn't have to. It was so generous.

I was always so busy and caught up in my own thing that I never called Mo out to have lunch/dinner or a catch up.

Funny how this all goes back to Ttran?

I met Ttran through Hop, who is Mo's older brother. Who I have always admired because he was such a gentlemen, righteous, and polite.

He is a role model that, in my opinion, most guys should follow.

Well, I started to really like Ttran, he made me feel safe, protected and loved.

Things didn't work out for us though. It would have been so perfect though. But who said that life was meant to be perfect?

I thought that it would be a dream come true, had Ttran and I ended up together, which was the initial reality, because I thought we were heading somewhere, and that our play days were over, we were both ready to settle down.

Hop would be his Best Man, and Mo would be my Maid of Honour. I couldn't think of anyone more perfect to witness our Marriage then Hop & Mo. Tony and I both have one sister/brother, and they could be the the groomsmen & bridesmaid.



I seeked Mo for comfort because I was really hurt that things didn't work out for me and Tony. I felt as though she and I have a big gap we need to fill. I felt really bad that I only ran to Mo when I needed her most. She told me that there has always been a connection between us even though we hardly see each other. I really wanted to believe this. But she was being nice to me, making sure that I don't get hurt. I felt the gap between us growing ever so widely, and it hurted me.

I have lost Mo.

I wish I didn't say some of the things that I did. Some of the things I should have just kept to myself and not drag her into the mess that I was in. I should have sucked it up and pretend to be stronger then I really was at the time.

I still feel the hurt that I've lost her.

And I realise that Mo has changed, she was now a stronger person. She was now closer to My Linh, and I honestly feel so jealous.

I'm jealous that I can't do the things with Mo that My Linh does.

I've lost such a wonderful friend, and I don't feel like theres nothing I can do but cry.

I really wish that things could have been different.

But they're not and I'm rambling a bit.

I will touch up this post later.

You don't have to fit in anywhere, you just have to be your own character

I have always struggled with an identity. I have always tried to find a place where I fit in, but it doesn't seem like I fit in anywhere. I always want to be accepted, so I mould myself into the person who would be accepted. I keep striving for this goal, and I keep missing, everytime I think I've come close enough.

I forget that I could be an individual. I forget that I could be me. I forget that I could develop my own persona, my own character, and my own label. I forget that I once was strong and independent. I forget that I didn't need things to fill me and be happy.

I am so lucky, to have amazing role models in my life.

Chu Tam - my boss, an educated Vietnamese man who is so generous and kind.

Bich Ty - A PHD in Chemistry, who shares her life experiences with me. Telling me that she's proud that I'm such a smart girl.

Cindy - My beautiful, charismatic, amazing, talented and funny cousin. Her spirit is so sweet. She does charity work for the Cancer Foundation, even though her schedule is so tight. She helps everyone with everything. I really hope that I can follow her example, and become half decent of a person like her.

Lisa Toh - I am so blessed by Lisa in every way. Lisa and I, although very similar in some areas (we both love green, are left handed and interested in food) are so different in our walks with God. When I struggle, I quit, but when Lisa struggles, she seeks God even more.

She is so humble and genuine in her faith. And reading her blogs has left me to throwing myself to God again, but this time, I won't quit when things get hard.

She has also modelled God's love through her relationship with Torchie. I don't know them as a couple personally, but I love that they are both after God's heart and love before theirs , and He has provided.

I now understand that relationships that has failed in the past is because I was flattered that someone so awesome (I really can't think of another word) great would be interested in someone like me. I think its some kind of joke, and don't want to believe it, but at the same time, I keep striving for something I can't achieve. Like a girl still in highschool, I have crushes, which I know will go nowhere, but was shocked when someone of a higher status took notice of me.

How low is my self esteem to try and find my identity through another person? I always thought that I was confident, but if you try and become an idenitified couple with another person, then are you really? Or are you just pretending? Am I ? Just pretending?

I thought that, having someone meant that I could go to them whenever I'm troubled, go out and have company, be known as a couple who were perfect for each other and the envy of many.

These relationships have failed because these men did not seek to bless me. These relationships have failed because these men were dependent on their feelings (that are like the weather) and what they can get from me physically.

These men, were not men who prayed everyday. These men were not men who seeked God to guide them.

I was exactly like these men.

I refused to believe that God felt the same way about me, with one condition. That I loved him without conditions. He wants to be in a relationship with me, but like how those men treat me, I treat Him the exact same way.

I want to be in a relationship with God because I love Him. I love Him because He first loved me.

I am going to take my time to get to know and learn more about Him.

With him, I am identified. I can be my own character.

Ciao Ciao Amigos

Never leave all your eggs in one basket.

Wow, its been almost 2 and a half months.

I feel alot more refreshed now then I did about a week ago. It just hit me all at once, work, friends, ttran and stress. I broke down and cried in the car again. It really hurted. And it was definitely painful.

I really wanted to run to ttran, and just be in his arms after a rough rough day. But it was silly to think that was even possible for me.

I felt so stupid and pathetic and I really wanted to throw myself under a bus. The pain I felt like it would never end. It was consistent and it was horrible. My throat closed up because of my illness.

That's the other thing. I am really sick, and I thought that if I had ttran to support me, everything would be OK.

I wish I had ttran to go out and eat with, go bowling, long drives and sundays together.

I thought he would never leave me, as a partner and a friend.

I put all of my eggs into one basket, and he knocked it out of my hands.

Its a sudden shock, and sometimes still so hard to believe. I trusted him completely without any questions, or conditions, because my love was child like.

So when he knocked it out of my hands, imagine me just standing there, completely dumbfounded and surprised at the same time.

And then, came denial. That didn't happen, That didn't happen. That didn't happen. No.

Then, the questions.

Why would he do that if he really loved me?

What did I do wrong?

Then the excuses.

Maybe he loves me too much.

He's had a rough day.

I must have said something really hurtful.

Then I start blaming myself.

Its all my fault.

I left all the eggs in one basket, and when he knocked it out of my hands, I refused to believe that it had happened. But, the broken eggs signify that some things can't be mended, recovered or recreated in the exact.

I've learnt that people will break promises, but I believe everything anyone tells me.

I've learnt that people will be dishonest, but why would they lie to me?

I've learnt that people will put themselves first, but I still can't be selfish.

I can't believe that its possible for me to be happy without him. But I am.

Becoming stronger.

Life is not Definite

Over the pass few months, I have been wallowing in self pity, feeling sorry for myself, contemplating never dating again and re-igniting my relationship with God again.

If there is one thing that I am definite about it is that I'm definite. Completely and unquestionably.

Is this a bad thing? Maybe it wouldn't be so if I was right a higher number of times then previously.

I had to learn to admit that I can be wrong. It was hard to admit that I was wrong about something I was so definite about.

But maybe I'm definite because I need certainty. I don't want to be left in the dark, I don't want to be the last to know, I want knowledge and I want people to stop protecting me.

I just keep assuming, and I always think I'm right. How can I be wrong about something I was definite and certain about?

It sucks when you are so definite that you don't want to admit that you're wrong, because how can you be wrong if you were definite?

I am so glad that what I thought was the best thing that ever happened to me was pried from my firm grip. I was still holding on and dragging myself along even though ttran tries to kick and pry me off. I am so stubborn.

I really hope that it did teach me something though. I still am quite confused as to what the lesson was. Because I think to myself, why do bad things always happen to me?

But in truth, who said good things were meant to happen to you? Who said that life was meant to be fair? Who said that ?

Just because you're a good person, and you do the right thing, most of the times the harder choice, doesn't necessarily mean that bad things won't happen to you.

Maybe the lesson I'm meant to learn is about developing my relationship with God before I develop any committment to a guy.

Maybe God, wants me to fall in love with him, without conditions, without reason, without compromise, before he gives me anything else.

I want to fall madly, deeply in love with God.

And I want my life story, to be one that has Him written all in it.

And I don't want to love a guy who doesn't love God. I want my husband to be a man after God's heart.

I am not here to please anyone else.

This is a messy post. Will clean it up later.

Ciao Readers.

I thought, that this time, this was it.

Tony Trung Tran 02 March 1986 & Annie Nhu Duong 12 May 1989

"No, Tony, don't do it, please, no, no, no no, please don't leave me, please Tony, please...."

The first time I met Tony, was at Terry's place, a Sunday for Skirmish. He looked like one of those typical asian guys, the fast cars, the long hair, the money, the pierced ears, drugs, alcohol,the sex and a smoker. Everything that I despised, loathed and hated.

I walked past and thought to myself, ew. And then I smiled at Hop.

I sat down next to Hop after a short time in the kitchen, and started to chat to him. We have the same watch!! I refused to talk to Tony, but noticed that he laughed and smiled at me.

We introduced ourselves to each other outside when we were all ready to go. I suggessted that we carpool. I didn't know the direction, and we got lost. He made fun of my driving.

We arrived at Skirmish, and I walked ahead with Linh. I got shot a few times, and Hop and Tony gave me extra ammos. I remembered when I saw Terry coming up behind the barricade of Hop and Tony, I was so worried that Tony would get shot. I couldn't look.

We finished for the day, and Linh was going with Davis, so Hop and Tony came with me. On our ride back, Tony was in the death seat. We chatted, and I find myself opening up to him. He spole so gently and warmly. I remember him looking me in the eye, and smiling. Guys don't look me in the eye.

We had to fill up as my car was running out of petrol. He offered to fill up for me. My independence..hehe! We were at Terry's and we said our goodbyes and swapped numbers. He's a Tran, Tony Tran!!!

We did the usual text and msn thing. It didn't seem as though there was much of anything besides friendliness.

Then we one day, we realised that we were both going to be in Melbourne in a few weeks. He was going a week ahead of me, and I was flying down the day before he leaves for Brisbane. Perfect timing, it always is with Annie.

He told me that we should meet up in Melbourne, seriously, we live 10 minutes away from each other. You want to meet up in Melbourne?! Melbourne? Melbourne!!

We did meet up in Melbourne, in between that we had chats on the phone. I started to fall in love with the Hue accent, or it could be an intonation.

On the wednesday, I met up with Hop and Tony at Galactic Circle. It was freezing cold, and he was late. I didn't know where he was, and I'm pretty sure I don't remember what he looks like. But I found Hop, and then I saw him. I was chatting to Hop and I knew that Tony was looking at me. I continued to talk to Hop and then politely turned towards him in acknowledgement.

We both hugged and Acqua Di Gio, yes, my favourite. Had a short conversation as to who was wearing it, and Hop told me that it was Tony last time, and also this time.

We decided to go Eureka Skydeck. after walking around for a tad bit. We teased each other, joked around, and made each other walk the wrong way. At Eureka, he missed the entrance, and I missed I told him I would be leading now, and I missed the Entrance to the Elevator.

Melbourne City is so amazing at night. we walked around, took photos, and headed outside. Hop and I thought Tony was there so we headed out. It was freezing cold. But to me, breeezy!! yes there is an extra e for the extra breeze.

We stood out there for awhile, and then Tony came out.

"Isn't this a great place to propose to someone?"
"And then you can push him off!"
" What is with you and pushing people off high places"
"hehehe"

We talked for a bit, I found out a bit more about him. He worked in IT, he's in University and he has 5 sisters.

He told some pretty corny lines, asking me if I wanted a hug.

I said no and smiled.

We sat down inside, and had a chat. I liked being close to him.

I'm hungry.

We left Eureka and took a cab to Chinatown. How many loops did we do before we ended up at Tepanyaki. Hop was super hungry, and we couldn't decide.

As we were walking though, someone slid their hand across Tony's waist and he looked at me. I was way over here. I was terrified for him, where is Hop? So he just started chatting to the guy casually. The guy started chatting to me as well. And when we crossed the road. Tony told me that he thought it was me and slid his hand across my waist.

We ordered some food and waited. The tea tasted like seaweed. So I told a chicken joke. HEHEHE, yes, that chicken joke!

Our food came, and of course, the hungriest person's came out first. Who am i kidding, its never like that! Mine came out last, it was the best chicken I ever had. We talked, ate as well as share with each other.

We finished and Tony paid. Generous. Tick.

We decided to play pool. Where is this pool place? It felt like we went to the edge of Melbourne, and could not find it. So we decided to go back. And woowoowoowoo thre it was! They are so awesome in pool! I'm not playing against that, even if I do cheat.

Tony, pretended to get his hand stuck in one of the holes. He bought me some water and he won!! Reminds me of the time Phoebe was watching Mike play table tennis.

We were heading back to the apartment where they were staying. I got to meet Chris, Ayumi and Lam. Hop stayed up eating sherbet.

Tony and I talked when everyone went to sleep.

"Can I tell you something?"

"Yeah?"

"I really like you,"

"What? What?"

" I guess this was unexpected,"

"Hang on, what?!"

" I really like you,"

I wasn't expecting this, but, it happened. A million things spun around in my head. I asked him why? he told me that I made him happy, that he liked me when he talked to me on the phone.

"This is the part where I'm gonna kiss you,"

Cliche!!!

He kissed me gently.

I told him how much I hate guys with long hair, fast cars, status and money, and he followed it with,

"Too bad for all those guys, you're all mine now,"

I've found him.

Next thing I know, I'm back home. And I miss him like crazy.

He sent me a few texts, didn't know what time he was boarding so it was insane Annie the whole night.

Where is he? Has he landed? Did he make it home safely? What if he fell asleep on the plane? Why hasn't he called? Did I get a text? What if sometihng happened to him?

Then I finally got a text saying that he was home. Cool.

We had our first fight over the phone. He always had to go, and I always wanted to hear his voice.

I'm so mellow now.

I flew back on Wednesday night. I sent him a text saying back, he sent back this :). A whole new level of lazy. He argued that at least his text had more emotions.

I scheduled to see him on Thursday, but he had a family dinner. I saw him afterwards.

I didn't know where he waas in Market Square, so I went to 711. I was walking and talking, and I completely missed him.

He asked if I was wearing purple.

I turned around and there he was!!! Should have seen the smile on my face!! I was like, its him!! I ran to him and hugged him.

"Did you miss me?"

"Like crazy,"

We went to Mt gravatt Lookout. I love spending time with him.

I drove him home, and he told me to drive by my place so he knows where it is. I had to pee so badly.

I didn't.

The next day, I was suppose to see him at 1, but he woke up late. 4 and a half hours I waited. I cried and told myself that I would never let him hurt me again.

But when he came, all that anger melted away.

We went out that night, but I knew something was wrong, he didn't warm up to me after I told him that I thought about ending it.

Sunday is Tony and Annie's day, no text, no call to say that he can't make it.

I went out with Annie and Amy. We saw him at pool, and I ignored him.

He left after about an hour.

I missed a lot!!

On Monday, he texted me and ask if I was free. I had my prepared notes of all the things I wanted to say. I wanted to take him to Southbank. But he met me at Sunnybank Hills instead.

Late again.

I had to make a call, so he went inside Mcdonalds.

We sat in his car, and he asked me if I knew why we were here. No I didn't.

I told him almost everything that I wanted to say. I came with the agenda that we both have to put in effort for this relationship to work. I had expectations, expectations that he was about to shatter.

He told me the most cliche lines in the history of break-ups.

I don't deserve you

There are guys out there who deserve you more

I don't think I can make you happy.

My friends says that we're not right for each other.

I feel like I always disappoint you.

I don't meet your expectations.

I'm always late.

I break promises.

Can we start fresh?

We're better off as friends.

I knew then, that he wanted to break up with me. So I fought for it. I didn't want to quit when things get hard. I didn't want to quit as soon as there's a problem, as soon as there was an obstacle. But he did.

I told him that I wanted to be more than just his girlfriend, I wanted to be his best friend. I want to be there when things are good and bad. I'm not with him just for the happy times, his car, his money and his status.

He thought differently.

He told me that he didn't take me for a ride, and that he wasn't playing with me.

I believed it.

He broke up with me.

I begged, pleaded and cried. he kept pushing me away, he was in a hurry and he wanted to leave quickly.

I never beg anyone, I never plea, and I definitely never cry in front of a guy. But I was so sure, that Tony and I are meant to make things work. Tony and I were going to get through this rough patch together. The one thing that I am so sure of. The one thing that I put up a fight for. The one thing that, the one thing that I am certain of.

He left.

I cried and cried in the car. How can he tell me he fell in love with who I was and then dump me?!

I called Howie. He soothed me down, told me I was overreacting.

I went to Annie's and cried some more.

I'm killing Joe off.

We both cried.

I went and bought a lot of alcohol, but didn't drink anything.

That night, was the worse night of my life. 13 July 2009.

At least it wasn't August?!

I couldn't go to work the next day. So I came in late. The day after I went to the dentist. Woke up late again.

Thursday wasn't much better, but I wasn't 3 hours late for work.

Friday felt like it would never come.

I can't believe I went through a whole week of break up.

Doesn't seem like that long.

I talked to Van, and she told me to take him on his offer of starting fresh, and being friends.

We talked on the phone like friends, and I realised that we were in fact better off as friends then we were as a couple. He told me that he wouuld stiill go to the ballet with me, and the brisbane wheel, and up to the mountains and he would still come and see me compete. He was trying to soften the crushing blow. He wanted to take me to a proper dinner and at least have one drink with him. So I suggested strip shots. :p

I was hurt throughout that week. Didn't feel like anything was worth living for. But then Van took me out to play games at funhouse and we got toys! and 75 tickets in one go! yeah Van!!

I got given He's just not that into you, the movie and I realised that if Tony and I were going to be together, then I would have the life of Janine and Ben.

He would lie to me, telling me that he doesn't smoke anymore, he would cheat on me, he would start to question. And what if I find out after we get married and had 4 kids together? I don't want the life that my mother is living now.

With a Vietnamese husband, who treats you like a slave, has money, status, a racer, drugs, alochol, cigarettes. That's not the life I want.

So, I rather be alone, alone and not lonely. Then be with someone who will sooner or later be a huge disappointment.

I told Mo about Tony and I. She spent the day with me, and it made me feel better. I spoke to Kelvin Teoh, and felt like the most powerful woman in the world.

2 extra places for our students. yeah!

This breakup was so clean and straight forward. Kind of. What made it easiest for me though, is that Hop had a say in this. He knew Tony wasn't good for me. And me kicking and screaming, still manage to get me out of there. I look up to Hop as a brother, and I know that he knows what is best for me.

Its like when I look at my friends relationships, and don't understand why they can't see that they're boyfriends treat them so badly. They get hit, yelled and scream at, and they're still in that horrible relationship.

Tony might not have hit me, but it may as well be seen that he has. I was stuck in the same situation, and did not see it. Only from the outside can you see more clearly.

So, I thought to myself. Hey, if Tony ever wants me back in his life. He needs to rid the 13 faults that I've listed, for 5 years.

And then, maybe then, I'll think about it.

Tommy just got a hot new type r!!!

I'm gonna be a derby doll and a novice figure competitor :)

Morrigan - Goddess of War & Death. Derby name?

Anyways - off to cleaning now. My favourite past time.

The Right Thing at the Wrong Time

 I'm doing it again, aren't I?

Have made a massive list of all the qualities that I want in a future bf/partner/husband.  I didn't initially know the purpose of it, but then it became clear to me that it was more of a barricade then a non negotiable list.  I don't know if that is for the better or for the worse though?

For the better would be, not settling for anything less, enjoying the freedom that single life gives me, not feeling guilty about the amount of time I have to dedicate to this person, focusing on my career, not having to attend to anyone but myself, having high standards and actually hitting that goal, be a girlfriend and not a mother and not feeling like I'm missing out on anything. 

If he is not perfect, then I don't want him. 

For the worse, I miss out on what could have been, bad timing, rejection, rejecting, sparing others feelings, not falling head over heels into anything, being too safe, missing out on opportunities, the perfect guy not being available anymore, bad timing and finally realising that everything I want is possible, but then I become insecure.  That is what makes the world go round, isn't it?

Recently, I've discovered, or should I say rediscover someone who was there ages ago, but I never noticed him, and now that I realise that, he's unavailable. 

Is this going to happen everytime I find a decent guy? Everytime I come close, something hinders me, something as trivial as he doesn't have ambitons, or he leaves dishes in the sink without rinsing them, or even the fact that he has an ugly shirt.  It completely turns me away, and I wonder sometimes, if maybe, I'm never going to find this guy, because 

1) I'm a perfectionist, realist and stern person. 

2) The perfect timing.

I'm confused.  I keep thinking that I'm not good enough and start projecting all these insecurities, which is nothing when its with me, but with him, I start saying stupid things, and I become speechless, where as per usual, I don't need to be so conscious of myself. 

Solution, please find me. 

G.

So..what's it like being human?

I'm not perfect.  Lets make it clearer.  We're not perfect. 

But why do we keep striving for it?  Why do we try to pretend that everything is perfect?  

I am one of those people.  

I appear and make myself known and catergorised in the independent, self reliant, tough, mature, hard to crack, competant, strong willed, arrogant and positive.  

This is what people see me as.  And this is the show, the front that I put on, because I hold myself in the highest regards, I respect myself, I have integrity and I love the way I feel about myself.  

I don't want to appear weak, I don't want to need anyone, I don't rely on others, I numbed my feelings, and became a heartless bitch. 

I got used to not having emotions, and liked it that way.  I got used to being straight forward and honest, without considering anyones feelings, I became task orientated, and I didn't see the human side, not often anyway. 

Then the littlest of things, made my wall, my barrier crumble.  It was strong, and then I loosened, thinking that maybe this time, things will be different.   This time, just maybe this time, things won't turn out like they did before.  This time, I won't be doomed to the cycle of gain and loss again. 

What happened shattered me, it brought upon feelings of anger, anger that I can't release myself from.  Anger that I keep bottling up, and it turns into resentment, and I condition myself to think that they're all the same, and then I don't let them in.  

Fear swept over me as I think of the events .  I didn't think it could happen to me, because I thought I was strong, and it would take something so much bigger to overwhelm me. 

I felt angry because, as a person, I choose to do the right thing, and behave like an adult, where as if I made the other choice of behaving like a child, throw a tantrum, attention seek and sulk, things will go my way. 

But that's not who I am, and that's who I'm never going to be. 

But that's not who I ever will be portrayed as either.  

People think I'm invincible, and whatever life throws at me, I will always come up with a solution and things.  People think that I will always get up when I get bogged down.  People think I don't cry.  People think of me as the person I portray myself to be. 

But then, I showed my human side.  

I didn't even recognise it. 

My human side got hurt, got angered, got pissed, experienced emotions, became speechless, my argumentative side quietened down, and my thoughts scatter.

It was unfair to me that when I choose to do the right thing, the hard thing, I am treated as though I have done something wrong. 

I don't think I can forgive, I don't want to get angry either, but I do keep thinking about it. 

It is not going to take over my life. 

I am in control.

"Expecting life to treat you well because you're a good person is like expecting a bull not to charge because you're a vegetarian"

When I Grow Up

Ever had one of those moments where you look back at your reaction to a situation and thought how stupid it is now?

I had one of these moments.

You think that you'll never be able to live without an ex partner, or that he's the only one for you, or the fact that you would die without him in your life.

I'm still alive, and typing, and very hungry.

It just shows me how, as we go through our teenage years, everything is such a big deal. We tell ourselves things like, I'll never love again, its the end of the world, nothings ever going to go right for me etc..

Isn't it silly?

It wasn't at the time though, but now that I look back on it, and I laugh hysterically at it sometimes(no shoes for the formal!!! Kill me!) and sometimes I wonder what was I thinking?!!

We all do that, look back on things and wish that it could have been different. But the good thing is, we can't turn back time, yes I said it, WE CANNOT TURN BACK TIME. I may not be one of the few that wish it could happen, but life goes on, and its for the better.

Ciao Readers,

annie.g