One of those posts where any title just won't do.

Today I received a call from my doctor that the results from my biopsy were in. 

I had cancer. 

At first I didn't know how to react, but as soon as I hung up, I started tearing up.  My boss came out and asked me what was wrong.  I asked to leave early because I just received news that I had cancer. 

I cried in the car like I did when I had my biopsy.  But this time there was something different. 

Had I received the news about a week ago, I would have been devastated and I would run to ttran.  Hoping that he'd take me back and support me and that I'd have him back in my life.

I remember when I slipped and I called him, he never called back to see how I was.  He never called back to see if I was OK.  He never called back to confirm that I was still alive. 

I finally realise that I held no special place in his heart, and I would have to go through everything on my own. 

But I'm OK with that, because things have changed for me.   I'm no longer the girl who relied on other people  I'm no longer the girl who needed a guy to validate who she is.  I no longer have to have someone there for me all the time.  I am no longer held captive by my own emotions.  

I am free.  And I am much much stronger than I was before.  After that biopsy, that was when things changed for me.  I'm a fighter and I can make it through anything. 

I decided not to tell my parents because I didn't want them to worry about me.  I didn't tell Annie or Mo because Annie is going through so much right now.  She has exams, a wedding, and lots of assignments and her own struggles.  Telling her would just be selfish of me like the time I cried because I struggled so much with ttran. 

I saw Hop today before I received the news. I said Hi to him and he said Hi Annie.  I am so in love with his accent.

 I really want to tell Mo, but like Annie, she also have exams, assignments and other things to take care of.  I especially didn't want anyone to feel sorry for me or worry about me.  I am going to keep it to myself and I will struggle by myself.  

I really want to tell Howie, but I didn't want everyone in Melbourne to worry about me.  And really, is there anything anyone can change?  No.  So I'm not going to be the girl that is going to be using my condition as an attention seeking tool.  Even though it would be so much easier for me if I had my friends to support me.  And thats all I really want.  Friends there to support me through this rough rough time.  

I could have cried and facebooked something like that.  But I didn't.  I am so proud of myself because I am so much tougher than I was before.  I know that I can make it on my own.  I'm not the Annie I was before. 

If I don't make it through.  Then I have to be OK with that.  I have to accept that.  

I cried because I thought about never being able to speak again.  I've been told that if the surgery doesn't go well,  I might not ever be able to speak again.  I think that would be the hardest to accept. 

But I'm a tough girl.  I'm gonna be alright!  

I can choose to be a little girl about this, and put a negative skin on this.  OR!  I can be positive no matter what happens. 

The world is still open to endless opportunities for me. 

I believe that this is going to only make me even stronger :)

Bring it on baby!!!!