One extreme to the other

Yesterday I went to have my biopsy done at the hospital.

It was so scary, I freaked and my heart raced when I was outside in the waiting room.

A girl who just had her biopsy came out and her partner was waiting for her. I imagined myself with ttran and I started crying because I was so scared, so afraid and if I had him there, I knew it wouldn't be so scary. I imagined that he would try to calm me down and tell me that I was going to be OK.

It was my turn so I manned up and stopped crying because I didn't want to look like a wuss.

They did an ultrasound on me first and then the radiologist came in and poke the needles through my throat 4 times. Every single time, he would try and pump out some cells but no luck.

I lied there and thought about him, and how this would all be easier on me if I had him.

It was all over and I sat in the waiting room with the ice pack. It was really painful. It felt like someone was strangling me with needles on their fingers. I cried silently because I didn't want people to feel sorry for me.

An older lady asked me how it was, and even though she was a stranger, I told her that she was going to be OK, and that it will be over before she even knows it.

As I waited for the result, I sat in my car, and I cried again, this time more freely. I was so scared, so afraid and so freaked out I didn't know what to do.

I called ttran. He didn't pick up, but I left a voicemail. I really needed him as a friend to support me right then because I was so afraid.

Then I sat in the car to cry some more.

As I drove out of the driveway, I cried to myself again. I snapped in a moment and called him when I told myself I would never run back to him, and I would leave him alone.

I told myself over and over again that I don't need him, that I am stronger, that I can do this on my own, that I have to do this on my own.

Tears streamed down my face as I struggled and my hormones went crazy.

I cried at the traffic lights, as I was about to park and some more when I was walking down the stairs.

I felt so scared, so afraid and so freaked out.

That afternoon, I went to have dinner with mum and Cindy. I didn't feel so weak. I felt stronger than I was before I had the biopsy.

I felt like the world had endless opportunities for me.

I felt that ttran no longer held such a special place in my heart.

I felt that I could finally let go.

I felt that I was stronger, much stronger than before.

I felt like I was being let free after being held captive by my own emotions for so long.

I felt like I didn't need a guy to be happy.

I felt like I could do this on my own.

I now know and accept that I will never ever go back to ttran because it just wouldn't be the same.

I am glad he never called me back to see how I was going, because I don't need other people to feel sorry for me, or be in his arms to make me feel better.

I can do this on my own.

I've finally had a breakthrough, nothing is impossible for me now.

Listening to Hush Hush - Pussycat Dolls