I'm gonna be fine!! Because I'm the Annie-Gizer!!

Manh took me up to the Wesley on Monday. I recorded the appointment with my doctor because I am so forgetful.

Thanks to Manh, I managed to find the courage to tell a few of my friends, including Mo, who I was so afraid of to tell because of my pride.

I was afraid that if I told her, she would reject and push me away like Tony did when I begged him not to go. I was afraid that she was going to start yelling at me like Tony did when he left me.

This was not the case, I sent her a text message because like Tony, she doesn't pick up my phone calls. I told her about my situation and then I headed for the gym and left my phone at home.

When I got home, I saw that there were about 20 missed calls from Mo. Text Messages and missed calls from Annie and Ti as well. My heart began to race as I called her back.

I called Mo back, she was quite speechless and started crying so that made me started to cry as well.

I feel like such a selfish person, everyone has their exams and assignments coming up and all I could think of was how hard it was for me. And how much I needed my friends support.

I was really afraid, and before taking Manh's advice, I felt really numbed and stone cold. I didn't feel like I was human. I responded to the news that I had cancer in a way that was similar to losing a volleyball match. OH too bad! Maybe next time!!

I started to feel a little bit more human, and that I will be OK.

On Tuesday morning, I told my mum casually that I had cancer. She was a bit concerned at first but then she took it easily after I told her that the procedure will be fine.

I need to be confident so that the people around me don't worry and freak out. I am strong and I can make it through this.

I managed to tell both Vincent and Cindy today. It is starting to feel normal to me now. But the fear is kicking in, even though I'm trying not to show it because I'm more afraid of the people around me being scared than myself.

I got a phone call from Terry and it sounded like he's been crying. Mo kept telling me to tell Terry, but I told her I'm not going to because I didn't want him to worry too much.

He told me that his mum went through the surgery as well and that she would like to speak to me regarding this.

I have a theory that Mo passed this on even though I asked her not to. But I wasn't so much as angry, I was more worried about Mo, because she must really be worried and needed to vent somewhere. I feel so bad.

I have been thinking about ttran as of Sunday. But I must keep telling myself that he doesn't want to be in my life3 anymore, and I should kill off any hope of us ever being together again. Because if he loved me, he would be in my life right now. I don't want him to feel sorry for me or make empty promises to me just because I have cancer. As much as I want to see him as soon as I wake up from my operation, I know that it is not good for me because it would just lead to wishful thinking and would have should have and could have sentences.

I am not going to be that girl. My life isn't a movie where the guy magically falls in love with the girl and he hasn't realised it all this time.

I live in the real world. And the reality is ttran is not ever coming back, and I should discard any hope of us ever being together again. I need to get that into my head. He doesn't love me, and he never will again. I should know what its like not to have any feelings for someone, because I used to be emotionless.

I cannot expect him to be in my life, because I will just be let down again and again and its going to be harder for me to pick my self up again.

I need to be strong on my own. And stop dreaming.

I need to be real.

I need to get a grip on reality.

I need to forget about him.

I need to stop dreaming.

I know I can do it. I know I am stronger than I was before.

Surgery is on the 4th November. Isn't that Ngoc's birthday? I wonder where that girl is now. Last thing I heard from her was that she just gave birth.

So depressing at work. Its raining and I just want to curl up in bed.



I'm out for a few weeks!!

See ya..!

One of those posts where any title just won't do.

Today I received a call from my doctor that the results from my biopsy were in. 

I had cancer. 

At first I didn't know how to react, but as soon as I hung up, I started tearing up.  My boss came out and asked me what was wrong.  I asked to leave early because I just received news that I had cancer. 

I cried in the car like I did when I had my biopsy.  But this time there was something different. 

Had I received the news about a week ago, I would have been devastated and I would run to ttran.  Hoping that he'd take me back and support me and that I'd have him back in my life.

I remember when I slipped and I called him, he never called back to see how I was.  He never called back to see if I was OK.  He never called back to confirm that I was still alive. 

I finally realise that I held no special place in his heart, and I would have to go through everything on my own. 

But I'm OK with that, because things have changed for me.   I'm no longer the girl who relied on other people  I'm no longer the girl who needed a guy to validate who she is.  I no longer have to have someone there for me all the time.  I am no longer held captive by my own emotions.  

I am free.  And I am much much stronger than I was before.  After that biopsy, that was when things changed for me.  I'm a fighter and I can make it through anything. 

I decided not to tell my parents because I didn't want them to worry about me.  I didn't tell Annie or Mo because Annie is going through so much right now.  She has exams, a wedding, and lots of assignments and her own struggles.  Telling her would just be selfish of me like the time I cried because I struggled so much with ttran. 

I saw Hop today before I received the news. I said Hi to him and he said Hi Annie.  I am so in love with his accent.

 I really want to tell Mo, but like Annie, she also have exams, assignments and other things to take care of.  I especially didn't want anyone to feel sorry for me or worry about me.  I am going to keep it to myself and I will struggle by myself.  

I really want to tell Howie, but I didn't want everyone in Melbourne to worry about me.  And really, is there anything anyone can change?  No.  So I'm not going to be the girl that is going to be using my condition as an attention seeking tool.  Even though it would be so much easier for me if I had my friends to support me.  And thats all I really want.  Friends there to support me through this rough rough time.  

I could have cried and facebooked something like that.  But I didn't.  I am so proud of myself because I am so much tougher than I was before.  I know that I can make it on my own.  I'm not the Annie I was before. 

If I don't make it through.  Then I have to be OK with that.  I have to accept that.  

I cried because I thought about never being able to speak again.  I've been told that if the surgery doesn't go well,  I might not ever be able to speak again.  I think that would be the hardest to accept. 

But I'm a tough girl.  I'm gonna be alright!  

I can choose to be a little girl about this, and put a negative skin on this.  OR!  I can be positive no matter what happens. 

The world is still open to endless opportunities for me. 

I believe that this is going to only make me even stronger :)

Bring it on baby!!!!

One extreme to the other

Yesterday I went to have my biopsy done at the hospital.

It was so scary, I freaked and my heart raced when I was outside in the waiting room.

A girl who just had her biopsy came out and her partner was waiting for her. I imagined myself with ttran and I started crying because I was so scared, so afraid and if I had him there, I knew it wouldn't be so scary. I imagined that he would try to calm me down and tell me that I was going to be OK.

It was my turn so I manned up and stopped crying because I didn't want to look like a wuss.

They did an ultrasound on me first and then the radiologist came in and poke the needles through my throat 4 times. Every single time, he would try and pump out some cells but no luck.

I lied there and thought about him, and how this would all be easier on me if I had him.

It was all over and I sat in the waiting room with the ice pack. It was really painful. It felt like someone was strangling me with needles on their fingers. I cried silently because I didn't want people to feel sorry for me.

An older lady asked me how it was, and even though she was a stranger, I told her that she was going to be OK, and that it will be over before she even knows it.

As I waited for the result, I sat in my car, and I cried again, this time more freely. I was so scared, so afraid and so freaked out I didn't know what to do.

I called ttran. He didn't pick up, but I left a voicemail. I really needed him as a friend to support me right then because I was so afraid.

Then I sat in the car to cry some more.

As I drove out of the driveway, I cried to myself again. I snapped in a moment and called him when I told myself I would never run back to him, and I would leave him alone.

I told myself over and over again that I don't need him, that I am stronger, that I can do this on my own, that I have to do this on my own.

Tears streamed down my face as I struggled and my hormones went crazy.

I cried at the traffic lights, as I was about to park and some more when I was walking down the stairs.

I felt so scared, so afraid and so freaked out.

That afternoon, I went to have dinner with mum and Cindy. I didn't feel so weak. I felt stronger than I was before I had the biopsy.

I felt like the world had endless opportunities for me.

I felt that ttran no longer held such a special place in my heart.

I felt that I could finally let go.

I felt that I was stronger, much stronger than before.

I felt like I was being let free after being held captive by my own emotions for so long.

I felt like I didn't need a guy to be happy.

I felt like I could do this on my own.

I now know and accept that I will never ever go back to ttran because it just wouldn't be the same.

I am glad he never called me back to see how I was going, because I don't need other people to feel sorry for me, or be in his arms to make me feel better.

I can do this on my own.

I've finally had a breakthrough, nothing is impossible for me now.

Listening to Hush Hush - Pussycat Dolls

Farm of minds

Farm of minds

Oh why!?

I miss ttran so much and I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH FOR IT!

On top of the World!

There's Got to Be more to Life.

There's got to be more to life, than having a job.

There's got to be more to life, than having to get married.

There's got to be more to life, than having kids.

There's got to be more to life, than having a family.

There's got to be more to life, than endless searching for the one.

There's got to be more to life, than living the life mapped out for you by someone else.

There's got to be more to life, than doing something you don't love.

There's got to be more to life, than being mainstream.

There just has to be more.

Its OK to be Human

I burst into tears again on Sunday night. I was in the car with Annie, and we were talking about The Mist, and we got onto the topic of personal character and how lucky we are that we don't go to bed hungry and cold every night.

I slowed the car down, and tears streamed down my face as I showed my struggle with ttran.

I felt terrible that Annie had to see me cry. I felt like a terrible friend because all I ever did was talk about my struggles and myself. I felt so selfish as Annie put her arms around me and tried to soothe me down.

In amongst the tears, I told her how much I've been struggling with ttran, I didn't deserve this and that I don't know whether or not I can keep going. I wanted to be the girl that couldn't feel anything, the girl I was before, the girl that was numb until I met him and he re-ignited all my senses.

I cried because I know that he wasn't struggling like me. I cried because I thought that he was the guy I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I continued to cry because that was so far out of reach for me.

Annie comforted me, and told me that I was only human and that we all make mistakes, sometimes more so than the average. She told me that he wasn't the right guy, cause if he was, he wouldn't have got up and left me. She told me that I don't want to go back to being the Annie I was before I met him, because if it wasn't him, it was going to be some other guy who would re-ignite all my senses.

She told me that some of us are lucky enough to find the one person that we were going to be with for the rest of our lives, others, like myself continue to struggle.

He wasn't the right guy and I kept insisting that he was, when it was getting me nowhere.

I told Annie that I've been through this before, and why did it take so long for me to forget him.

She told me that it was the first time I was serious, and the first time that I was willing to give up everything, the first time that I knew that this was it.

That I'm only human, and I can't just expect to get over him instantly like a Robot. I'm only human and I need to give myself some time to heal. Stop thinking about him and what it could have been.

But I had it all mapped out.

Then make a new map.

I think that's enough from me today.

I need to give myself some time to heal and make a new map, without him.

"The worse thing you can do is to hold onto something that is gone, or try to re-create it."

Far Out Man!!!

This happens every single morning I go to work late.

She just yells for no apparent reason, and is a total beep!

Everytime I retaliate and she can't answer, she uses the "I"m your mother card"

Well, maybe you should start behaving like a mother then!

Goodness!

No-one ever helps me around the house.

Stop picking on the girls, and take a look at your son.

OH Goodness! I'm so angry!!!

And that stupid bitch in the fucking Hyundai this morning, made me so angry too!!!

That's what I'll use in Derby, Crazy Drivers.

No No No No No!!

I'm so weak to him.

I'm letting him govern the way I feel and I hate it!! :(

Check Your Match!

I love this game!

http://www.claxor.com/pages/games.php

This is how we party.

I have every right to be angry. But I'm not going to.

I'm not the Anny I was 5 years ago.

Doing the right thing is a lot harder, and sometimes outrageously unfair (how come she can get away with it but I can't?).

I'm glad that I force myself to make the right choice and do the right thing everytime. I slip al little sometimes though. Its a lot harder, but the self respect and integrity that you put on your self value is immense.

Doing the right thing can sometimes that you miss out, or be accused or even underappreciated.

But at least you don't have to be the girl who has to deal with the consequences later on.

Bring on the challenges.

Davis Snippets

A post by a friend's brother name Davis Hoang.

L-O-V-E

i wont pretend to be some kind of prefessor of love. but i keep hearing ppl ask, 'y would i try luving someone if that someone cud end up hurting me?' or 'how can u stand the person u luv saying they dun luv u anymore?'...

these situations are terrible, truly sad and difficult to deal with. but they'r like anything and everythin in life - if ur afraid of losing, how can u ever win? if u always think ur gonna lose, u'l never know it when u'v won.

love is a difficult topic and if u go at it with all u'v got too quickly and fall, ur gonna b left with nothing to continue with. u need to take things slow, get to know ur partner, understand them (if u can)...

if u do break up, its not the end of the world. sure, it's sudden. sure, it's unexpected. u mite have thought they loved u. but they don't anymore.. u'l get over it. the way i c it, if they didn't realise u were gud enuff to hold onto, then they did u a favour and gave u a chance to find someone who does.

don't even bother trying to get back with someone who has broken up with u. u deserve better than that. however, if someone u'v broken up with and hurt tremendously wants to get back with u, it probably means they really do love u and u'd b an idiot if u let them go a second time.

usually, a person can tell whether the person they'r with wants to b with them or just with somebody. hopefully u find a person who truly wants to b with u.. it's not easy, and not many ppl do..

if ur in love and u get hurt, u'l try to work things out to continue ur relationship. when the going gets tough, u deal with it. u figure it out together.

but it's a choice that everybody needs to make on their own. there are ppl who go thru life happily alone. some ppl require lonliness to b happy. but if ur not one of those ppl, i hope u do find someone u can truly care for and who truly cares for u.

i should write a book XD

It hits you when you least expect it to.

I've been listening to Pastor Judah Smith recently, Mistaken Love & Dating and Your Destiny.

Also been listening to Joshua Harris, Practicing Trust.

These sermons has helped me pull through probably one of the roughest, toughest times I've experienced.

What hit me the most was Pastor Judah's Smith's Dating and Your Destiny.

Been listening to sermons. Pastor Judah smith dating And your destiny.

These past few years, I have gone from relationship, moping and carrying on like a drama queen that life is not worth living if I couldn't have this person.

These past few years, I have spent hating myself for hurting the wonderful men in my life because I couldn't tell my feelings to take a hike because this wasn't the right time for me to be in a relationship.

These past few years, I have spent wishing & wanting something that was taken away from me because it wasn't the right timing.

I'm going through this again, but this time, it hit me hard, because I thought that this time, this was it. But I overlooked that this time, was like all those other times, not the right time.

God is really looking out for me. I now believe that how will bring the right person to me at the right time . He's got that perfect smile that I've always imagined. God will bring him when I am ready. And this relationship will be better than anything that I have had in the past. God will bring him at the right time. He will be a godly man, who loves and seeks god and a man who will love and bless me.

It will be better than anything I've ever experienced.

The pain from the past will no longer hold me captive.

I will not conform to the worlds love. To the love that ttran offers me.

I'm glad god took him away from me.

Now I can focus on my relationship with god.

My authentic relationship with him.

Thank you lord for looking after me .

Seeking Him Steadily.

Post Its

- I need a Derby Doll name
- I have a pride issue.

- I am afraid of hypnotic circles.
-Glitter at my wedding.

I see you through your window, while I'm standing on a tree outside.

Am currently stalking 2 guys!

One drives an EK9 and the other drives a Corolla.

EK9 guy and I drive past each other at about 8 everyday in the opposite direction. He lives in Inala and works at Browns Plains. I work at Inala and live near Browns Plains!

Have never seen the Corolla guy, but he's got a nice done up Corolla Sportivo - oh V-TEC!

If you're the guys I'm stalking, I'm that girl in the civic!

Want me to stalk you? Get a hot hatch.

I love - the EP3

Currently in love with this car. Finally going to start doing things for myself.

Learning Manual so that I can race on the tracks. Going to be very frustrating teaching me manual!

On another note, found the bag that I wanted! I got 2 so that I can customise them both. One for me and one for Mo. I miss her.

Am so excited, going to tear the ugly beads off the bag tonight.