I'm gonna be fine!! Because I'm the Annie-Gizer!!

Manh took me up to the Wesley on Monday. I recorded the appointment with my doctor because I am so forgetful.

Thanks to Manh, I managed to find the courage to tell a few of my friends, including Mo, who I was so afraid of to tell because of my pride.

I was afraid that if I told her, she would reject and push me away like Tony did when I begged him not to go. I was afraid that she was going to start yelling at me like Tony did when he left me.

This was not the case, I sent her a text message because like Tony, she doesn't pick up my phone calls. I told her about my situation and then I headed for the gym and left my phone at home.

When I got home, I saw that there were about 20 missed calls from Mo. Text Messages and missed calls from Annie and Ti as well. My heart began to race as I called her back.

I called Mo back, she was quite speechless and started crying so that made me started to cry as well.

I feel like such a selfish person, everyone has their exams and assignments coming up and all I could think of was how hard it was for me. And how much I needed my friends support.

I was really afraid, and before taking Manh's advice, I felt really numbed and stone cold. I didn't feel like I was human. I responded to the news that I had cancer in a way that was similar to losing a volleyball match. OH too bad! Maybe next time!!

I started to feel a little bit more human, and that I will be OK.

On Tuesday morning, I told my mum casually that I had cancer. She was a bit concerned at first but then she took it easily after I told her that the procedure will be fine.

I need to be confident so that the people around me don't worry and freak out. I am strong and I can make it through this.

I managed to tell both Vincent and Cindy today. It is starting to feel normal to me now. But the fear is kicking in, even though I'm trying not to show it because I'm more afraid of the people around me being scared than myself.

I got a phone call from Terry and it sounded like he's been crying. Mo kept telling me to tell Terry, but I told her I'm not going to because I didn't want him to worry too much.

He told me that his mum went through the surgery as well and that she would like to speak to me regarding this.

I have a theory that Mo passed this on even though I asked her not to. But I wasn't so much as angry, I was more worried about Mo, because she must really be worried and needed to vent somewhere. I feel so bad.

I have been thinking about ttran as of Sunday. But I must keep telling myself that he doesn't want to be in my life3 anymore, and I should kill off any hope of us ever being together again. Because if he loved me, he would be in my life right now. I don't want him to feel sorry for me or make empty promises to me just because I have cancer. As much as I want to see him as soon as I wake up from my operation, I know that it is not good for me because it would just lead to wishful thinking and would have should have and could have sentences.

I am not going to be that girl. My life isn't a movie where the guy magically falls in love with the girl and he hasn't realised it all this time.

I live in the real world. And the reality is ttran is not ever coming back, and I should discard any hope of us ever being together again. I need to get that into my head. He doesn't love me, and he never will again. I should know what its like not to have any feelings for someone, because I used to be emotionless.

I cannot expect him to be in my life, because I will just be let down again and again and its going to be harder for me to pick my self up again.

I need to be strong on my own. And stop dreaming.

I need to be real.

I need to get a grip on reality.

I need to forget about him.

I need to stop dreaming.

I know I can do it. I know I am stronger than I was before.

Surgery is on the 4th November. Isn't that Ngoc's birthday? I wonder where that girl is now. Last thing I heard from her was that she just gave birth.

So depressing at work. Its raining and I just want to curl up in bed.



I'm out for a few weeks!!

See ya..!