I had 2 tubes to drain the fluids and one for the IV drip. I was pretty freaked out, and unbelievably sore. The nurses kept coming in to take my blood pressure. There was some red stuff splashed all over my face from pre-op paste of some sort to kill all the bugs.
I told Cindy that my surgeon, who never smiles at me, came in to see me before the operation and drew markings on where he was going to cut. He was happy, and smiled. Asked me if I had any questions, and I told him he looked good in blue and he chuckled. Cindy joked that he was so happy with his work of art, and thats why he kept smiling. He drew such a beautiful line...hehehe!
I talked to the lady next to me, she was very friendly, and we talked about names, travel, occupation and the most random things. Her name was Fiona.
The anethesis came in and poked a needle through my arm for the anesthetics, telling me that there was no such thing as a friendly needle.
I tried to eat after my operation, just green jelly and water, but I couldn't and threw it all up. Ew. Gross. I know.
I lied there, and the nurses were really nice. Especially Lisa & Patricia. And also a nurse who was from the Philippines that was so nice to me during the night.
Manh and Ti came to visit me the day after, and I thought they went together, but it was just coincidental.
It made me think about ttran, and how much I wish he was there. He just worked across the road, and even though he was the closest person, he was also the furthest. But he didn't know about it, so I can't really expect much from him.
I was on OzHonda, and I was reading through the posts, and I realised that one of the accounts was his. I cried to myself, and called Mo. Not knowing what to do, and being so upset, that he doesn't even acknowledge my existence, and I have probably been long forgotten. And I, still holding onto him, and not letting go.
I started to write, and this I shared with Cindy.
I missed him so much, I just wanted him to come bursting through the doors, and tell me that everything is going to be OK.
When I think of him, I think of how easy it would be for me to go through this. To have someone who loved me and be strong for me. But I had to be strong for myself. Everytime a bloodtest had to be taken, everytime my tubes and drains caused me to ache, everytime I experienced any pain from having the tape ripped off, and the stinging feeling I get when they clean my wound. I had his scarf with me, with his scent, and i felt comforted. But who was I kidding, I was trying to re-create something that has been long gone, and I was only hurting myself even more. He was never going to turn up.
I asked Ti to delete my OzHonda account because I didn't want him to think that I was stalking him. And it hurted me so much, because I thought that he was the guy that I was going to spend the rest of my life with. But it was just a dream a hope that I tried to force into reality, when really, it didn't belong there.
This had made me realise that maybe, I'm not meant to date. I'm not taking it from bad experiences, but I just don't think there is that guy and that relationship that exists for me.
I have fears that he will not acknowledge, like if he's late, I automatically think he's dead. Or spending quality time with each other as well as time apart.
I keep thinking about him, and I need a good slap in the face over and over again until I realise that he is never coming back.
Like I said, if he loved me, he would be in my life right now.
One day, my super awesome guy will come along, and I will have forgotten all about this.
I don't want to go into a relationship with someone, and thinking that the guy is him. It would be so unfair to the both of us.
I'm just at home resting now. No calamari is the hardest.
This has to only have made me tougher. As Manh told me, I survived Cancer.
Nothing's Impossible.
Learning how to Shuffle for TechnoBoy! SO EXCITED!!
And saving up for an EP3 :):):) Custom Plate 02-KXX
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