You don't have to fit in anywhere, you just have to be your own character

I have always struggled with an identity. I have always tried to find a place where I fit in, but it doesn't seem like I fit in anywhere. I always want to be accepted, so I mould myself into the person who would be accepted. I keep striving for this goal, and I keep missing, everytime I think I've come close enough.

I forget that I could be an individual. I forget that I could be me. I forget that I could develop my own persona, my own character, and my own label. I forget that I once was strong and independent. I forget that I didn't need things to fill me and be happy.

I am so lucky, to have amazing role models in my life.

Chu Tam - my boss, an educated Vietnamese man who is so generous and kind.

Bich Ty - A PHD in Chemistry, who shares her life experiences with me. Telling me that she's proud that I'm such a smart girl.

Cindy - My beautiful, charismatic, amazing, talented and funny cousin. Her spirit is so sweet. She does charity work for the Cancer Foundation, even though her schedule is so tight. She helps everyone with everything. I really hope that I can follow her example, and become half decent of a person like her.

Lisa Toh - I am so blessed by Lisa in every way. Lisa and I, although very similar in some areas (we both love green, are left handed and interested in food) are so different in our walks with God. When I struggle, I quit, but when Lisa struggles, she seeks God even more.

She is so humble and genuine in her faith. And reading her blogs has left me to throwing myself to God again, but this time, I won't quit when things get hard.

She has also modelled God's love through her relationship with Torchie. I don't know them as a couple personally, but I love that they are both after God's heart and love before theirs , and He has provided.

I now understand that relationships that has failed in the past is because I was flattered that someone so awesome (I really can't think of another word) great would be interested in someone like me. I think its some kind of joke, and don't want to believe it, but at the same time, I keep striving for something I can't achieve. Like a girl still in highschool, I have crushes, which I know will go nowhere, but was shocked when someone of a higher status took notice of me.

How low is my self esteem to try and find my identity through another person? I always thought that I was confident, but if you try and become an idenitified couple with another person, then are you really? Or are you just pretending? Am I ? Just pretending?

I thought that, having someone meant that I could go to them whenever I'm troubled, go out and have company, be known as a couple who were perfect for each other and the envy of many.

These relationships have failed because these men did not seek to bless me. These relationships have failed because these men were dependent on their feelings (that are like the weather) and what they can get from me physically.

These men, were not men who prayed everyday. These men were not men who seeked God to guide them.

I was exactly like these men.

I refused to believe that God felt the same way about me, with one condition. That I loved him without conditions. He wants to be in a relationship with me, but like how those men treat me, I treat Him the exact same way.

I want to be in a relationship with God because I love Him. I love Him because He first loved me.

I am going to take my time to get to know and learn more about Him.

With him, I am identified. I can be my own character.

Ciao Ciao Amigos