Without a reason, it feels like you belong

I'm currently listening to Anthony Hamilton, Dear Life. Its one of my all time favourite songs.

These past few weeks, have been challenging for me. I find myself crying again and again because I miss him so much. I just want to be the girl who laughed, and skipped and not carry on so many responsibilities. I find myself walking without a reason, doing things, without a purpose.

I don't know what came over me, but I knew I had to run away. Run away from this hurtful place, run away from everything I grew up loving. I thought about moving over to Korea or Canada. I don't know why, but I needed to run away. I needed to just run away and start a new life, a life that never experienced what I had experienced in the last 7 months.

I feel so helpless, and more so hopeless in those around me who used to aid me in getting up again once I have fallen. But even they don't believe in me anymore. I don't know or have a purpose. I never thought I'd be the girl who would find herself in this situation. But I am. And I am awaiting my rescuer, whoever they may be.

But, what I found out, even though too confronting, and true, was that my life is not that of the lives I read in books. I have to live so realistically now, and my ability to dream, write, read and love have been shaken. I want to be hopeful, but every realistic bone in my body tells me, who are you kidding? Being the hopeful person that I was was the reason I got myself into this mess.

Before Tony, I was not hopeful. He came and made it clear to me that the things that my heart have always longed for, the kind of things that I read in books growing up, was possible, because he will make it possible.

I let myself believe that this was possible. Maybe, after all the hardship that I have gone through, someone was finally coming to lead me into the life that I have always read about and have been hopeful about.

I believed him without question, without fear, without doubt, and he told me that he wasn't the guy who would be able to bring the story I have always thought too far out of reach into reality for me.

I was and am still in denial. How could the one time I have been so sure, the one time that I was willing to take a risk, it shattered my spirit and turned me into this robotic, numb and cold person?

What happened to the girl that smiled on a regular basis, the girl who had faith even though it was questioned, the girl full of life, the girl who knew that one day, something good will happen for her.

Reality, pushed and shoved, and shoved some more, and still she got up, the girl I was knew that there was something better, that the things she read out of books was possible for her. Reality, kept pushing and shoving her, and still she got up, knowing that she was stronger than she was the first time around. And then, one day, she never got up.

She knew that the moment that she got up again, the pushing and shoving will begin again. So if she was down all the time, the pushing and shoving won't hurt so much. It will become a norm for her.

But she sees people who do have the life she has always read out of books, and she wishes that it was her. But it isn't. She doesn't understand why, but knows the life that she wants is way out of reach now. Too far. Too far to run and chase it.

When my boss told me that he was no longer continuing his business, I started to freak out because all this time, I have focused on work so much, overworked myself, and now, when I realise that there is no more work for me to focus on, and now I have time to focus my energies on other things, I don't know what to do.

I have been using work as a barricade and with work. I have been using work as an excuse not to deal with the other things in my life. I used work to distract myself from other things that would hurt me. I didn't need to face anything because I was too busy with work. I didn't have to deal with my problems if I had other people's problems I need to fix first.

The urge to run away and move away have lessened over the past few days. I beat myself up about it because I didn't have anyone else to drill some sense into me.

I had to tell myself that I had to stay and fight, not get up and run every time something is wrong. Why should I be the one who runs?

And when I run, I'll miss out on the things that I grew up loving, my brother especially. And what about my sister? What kind of person would she grow up to be?

My family is so important to me, and even now, I feel so disconnected with them. I am so jealous of Tony. He have always had the life that I read in books going for him, and he is so effortless in achieving it. I'm going to say it. Its not fair. I have never done anything wrong in my life to hurt anyone. I shouldn't be the one who has to run. I have done everything right by the books, and there are people like him who are so smart, that they find the loopholes, or are fortunate enough to be in the right place at the right time.

And me, I have to run. Why do I have to run? He is never the one who is running. Its always me that has to. I don't want to run, but I don't know of any other options.

I don't know what to do.

I keep typing these messy blogs.

The last place that I actually feel safe and child like is with my driving instructor. It takes me back to when I was younger and I was learning how to drive. I let go of all my troubles, and I just laugh to my hearts content, and be 17 again. When I never met him.

I keep telling myself that it never happened, and if it never happened, there is no reason for me to be upset by it. Because, it never happened.

sweetespirit.